Chat
  • Meghan: My boyfriend is out playing poker, I have an open bottle of rosé and I just ate a plate full of ribs. LET’S DO THIS.
  • Kim: "sparks fly when Andi gives love a second try!"
  • Braxton: Tonight on The Bachelorette: 30 minutes of footage stretched into 2 hours. Whoa. Strippers?
  • Kim: Shake those man pecks
  • Meghan: Because this show definitely wasn’t objectifying enough before.
  • Oscar: “Who’s ready to see some half naked men?” Oh no. Not me.
  • Braxton: YES! Drunk guy in the pool. We're in for a TREAT
  • Meghan: Last week our comments were pretty scattershot and out of context, which I think accurately portrayed the chaos of the first episode. Let’s hope this week makes more sense! Or at least that we can even remember who these guys are.
  • Kim: Was Craig the one who I said probably took 7 years to graduate? Probably
  • Braxton: Plus Andi acting like The Bachelorette is "too serious" for drinking in the pool.
  • Braxton: They've shown close up of her boobs three times already.
  • Kim: I ain't mad about it
  • Braxton: The one guy drinking water! Mormon?
  • Braxton: If ABC gives you free booze, you drink free booze. That's my motto. (?)
  • Meghan: I love that they’re starting their first day looking for love with bloody marys. At least that’s honest.
  • Oscar: BLOODY MARYS FOR THE BROS!!! BROODY MARYS! BROMOSAS!
  • Kim: It'd be really awkward if Chris Harrison was like "I've been doing this for a while, annnnnnd Andi is just alright."
  • Braxton: "She's fine."
  • Meghan: YAY the first date card! My second favorite part of the show are the terrible date card puns.
  • Meghan: My first favorite part is feeling way better about my own life choices.
  • Braxton: They will never convince me that the "wedding coordinator" who looks like THAT is straight.
  • Kim: Wedding Events Coordinator is supposedly straight? I'm calling shenanigans
  • Braxton: NEVER I TELL YOU
  • Braxton: Glad we're on the same page.
  • Oscar: And now comes the time in which I refrain from discussing the first date because it’s with the guy who is now not among the living. In other words, he’s dead.
  • Meghan: It is so awkward that he got the first date of the season, not to make this about me but uuuuugh I don’t want my reality TV to be TOO REAL
  • Braxton: Rule #1 for first dates: Never mention the witch doctor.
  • Kim: Rule #2 park in the red zone. Not smooth Andi
  • Braxton: She probably thinks that she's exempt from getting tickets when she's the bachelorette.
  • Braxton: HA it feels like they've known each other for "months?" cool bro.
  • Oscar: Producers: “Hey guys… um, maybe some sandcastles?” *rousing applause from the crew*
  • Meghan: “He has NO IDEA what’s about to happen”… unless he’s seen a single episode of this show, in which case he could probably guess that a helicopter would show up.
  • Kim: First helicopter of the season: drink
  • Braxton: Whenever I see a helicopter on tv, I think of that scene in ER where the doctor gets his arm chopped off.
  • Braxton: Kinda disappointed that both of their limbs are intact.
  • Braxton: He loves the BEACH annnnd MOUNTAINS!? He's an all around guy.
  • Braxton: Like, I get liking the beach. But the MOUNTAINS TOO!?
  • Braxton: blowing my mind, Bachelorette.
  • Oscar: Maybe I’m a little jaded from living in the world, but Andi is really amazed by the earth. “Mountains! Snow! Trees! Sand!”
  • Braxton: Is that Shaun White?
  • Oscar: Luis Vito the Snowboarder’s real name is Brad Smithwick.
  • Kim: That'd be awesome if he took off his mask and it was Chris Harrison
  • Braxton: hahahaha
  • Braxton: Worst first date, ever. Learning how to snowboard is terrible.
  • Braxton: So.much.anger.
  • Kim: And way too many clothes to try to take off. How's he gonna cop a feel?
  • Meghan: Truth, I hated learning to snowboard. My instructor literally laughed at me and threw a snowball in my face when I fell down.
  • Meghan: …which is probably exactly what Juan Pablo would have done to Andi if they snowboarded together last season. I know nobody here will get that joke because I’m the only one who watched it but I GET IT AND IT’S TRUE!!!!
  • Braxton: Kim, where can we find you that Red Bull beanie?
  • Braxton: It would go great with your Ninja Turtle beanie.
  • Kim: haha I'd have to put a dollar in the douchebag jar just for owning that, let alone trying to wear it but I totally would
  • Kim: which may be why I'm single
  • Meghan: Not if you were sponsored by Red Bull®, which Gives You Wings™
  • Braxton: "He makes me feel challenged, but also good about myself."
  • Kim: There is entirely too much cuteness on this date. I feel my ice cold interior is thawing
  • Braxton: Nice turtleneck, Britney Spears.
  • Kim: You think she's sitting there being like "Man, my sister told me I gotta kiss them early"
  • Kim: "I'm gonna do it soon. I have to. She said"
  • Braxton: Her voice sounds a little bit like Lindsay Lohan's... Like, mid-meltdown Lindsay Lohan voice.
  • Oscar: “Tell me about Syria.” – always a great sentence to utter on a date
  • Kim: you know, for funsies! Syria is a total UPPER!
  • Braxton: Whoa, is that how he died? As a journalist?
  • Braxton: in war-torn countries?
  • Braxton: that is intense.
  • Kim: No, he's an explorer and it was a hang gliding accident
  • Meghan: I’m just gonna sit back and chug on this rosé in a moment of respectful, Bachelor-themed silence for Eric
  • Oscar: I must say that being an “Explorer” who hang glides at high speeds at high altitudes in the presence of jagged rocks, well, it’s not not sad, but it’s also not unexpected.
  • Oscar: OK, I’ll shut up.
  • Kim: She just got real wet when he said the biggest thing in life is having a family
  • Braxton: That couch is totally ruined.
  • Braxton: They're gonna need a wetvac
  • Kim: SOAKED
  • Braxton: She has a trail of wetness following her around, like she's a slug.
  • Braxton: "Sorry, he was just talking about family"
  • Meghan: Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
  • Braxton: "HOW'S BARE SPELLED!?"
  • Kim: “Is she gonna make us fight a bear?”
  • Oscar: Wait – do these bros just hang out in a semi-circle all day if they’re not in on the action? I don’t understand how this show works at all
  • Meghan: When the Date Card Fairy leaves her latest gift, Chris Harrison pulls out his magic flute and summons the contestants to the couch with a chipper rendition of “Kiss from a Rose”
  • Kim: annnnnnd back to the couch slug
  • Braxton: He is considering saying that he loves her. After ONE DATE!?
  • Kim: But they haven't even kissed! How will she know?!?
  • Braxton: "They know they're here to date right?" Oh, you mean while you're off dating 18 other guys they can't let loose a little?
  • Braxton: (I just want to see a gay hookup, clearly this is all about my wants and needs)
  • Kim: they transported them in a party bus? Whatever happens next is not Craig's fault.
  • Kim: If you don't want a blacked out guy in a pool, don't rent a party bus
  • Meghan: Stitch that on a pillow cuz it’s the damn truth.
  • Braxton: I agree Wetter. The party bus has weird powers over humans. First rule of party bus. Don't judge me for what happens after party bus.
  • Oscar: Does The Bachelorette always have an early-in-the-season challenge where everyone just shows their dicks?
  • Meghan: I mean, sometimes they’re doing “stand up comedy” and other times performing a play for underprivileged children but basically yes
  • Braxton: The gay wedding coordinator is PUMPED to see naked men.
  • Kim: What's funny is that this would be SO offensive if they did this challenge on the Bachelor... Alright ladies, we're gonna teach you how to be strippers. But it's for charity, so its cool
  • Braxton: STOP OBJECTIFYING MEN, BACHELORETTE!
  • Braxton: Also Kim,they're "exotic dancers"
  • Braxton: So, don't be offensive.
  • Braxton: It's for charity.
  • Kim: haha sorry, exotic dancers, right
  • Meghan: actually last season the women posed naked, also “for charity” (I think it was for a dog shelter? A SEXY dog shelter)
  • Braxton: Why are so many straight guys SO WORRIED about what their "buddies" are going to say when they get home? Dude, you went on REALITY TV, shut the fuck up.
  • Oscar: Screw you, “Mom I’m going to church tomorrow” Guy. What are you doing that’s so wrong, you mouth-breather?
  • Meghan: Does anyone else think the head exotic dancer looks like an older, even more ruined Nick Lachey
  • Kim: Marcus looks like he doesn't know how to top... that air humping practice was terrible
  • Meghan: Army Men, Firemen, and Cowboys! Firefighers are “one of the most popular female sexual fantasties,” old, haggard Nick Lachey says like he’s some sort of scientist or pollster.
  • Meghan: But personally, I’m all about the robot.
  • Braxton: Fucking Cody...he is more in love with himself than any woman ever.
  • Oscar: Oh, how I despise thee, Hulk Macklemore.
  • Meghan: Seriously, how did Cody even get in? I know this show has low standards but … c’mon. It’s like there was a tear in the fabric of time and space and somehow a contestant from I Love New York ended up spliced into The Bachelorette
  • Kim: Maybe Marcus is really smart and is just acting this nervous because he knows he'll get a pity rose out of it if he does even remotely well. gotta play the game bro
  • Braxton: Oh Craig...thanks for letting us know you have a small package.
  • Braxton: If Chris Harrison doesn't come out naked, I'm going to be really upset.
  • Braxton: You KNOW Jeff Probst would be up for it.
  • Kim: He'd definitely be the closer
  • Oscar: “I kinda saw part of a man no woman is supposed to see.” Umm, the butthole? Why do you hate buttholes, Andi. Everyone has one.
  • Braxton: BUTTHOLE! SHE SAW BUTTHOLE!
  • Oscar: These reactions shots from the audience are killing me. Why are these ladies acting surprised by what’s happening?
  • Meghan: I keep picturing Andi,10 years from now, explaining to her unlikely children that on her first date with their father, he dressed up like a soldier and shook his dingus in front of her, all of her lady friends and America
  • Meghan: “It was a waking nightmare, kids. I lost respect for him before I even knew his last name. But love finds a way.”
  • Braxton: Well, Chris Harrison spanked one of the guys...so, that's at least something.
  • Kim: I really respect Dylan for putting his ass in Chris Harrison's face
  • Braxton: Yeah, 10 points to Dylan.
  • Oscar: These women are screaming like Oprah gave them a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift card.
  • Kim: The couch is wet again
  • Braxton: Oh Andi...gurl needs to start wearing a diaper.
  • Kim: not mine, hers
  • Braxton: HAHAHAHA
  • Kim: ALL CLASS OVER HERE
  • Braxton: Poor ABC...the budget that they have for reupholstering every surface Andi sits on must be off the charts.
  • Kim: Someone just follows her around with a sponge
  • Braxton: whispering "god damnit" the whole time. That poor intern
  • Kim: Imagine hearing your job description on the first day... You'd be like, “you want me to do what?”
  • Oscar: ANDI CLEAVAGE
  • Kim: I haven't seen Andrew at all in the episode. Does he get a single date or just get the shaft?
  • Braxton: Yeah, I saw a glimpse of his face at the beginning and that's it.
  • Oscar: I was like “what” and then I was like “what” and now I’m like “what” you know?
  • Meghan: and the answer to all three is “ROMANCE”
  • Oscar: They’re having a serious conversation with classical guitar in the background about his male stripping strategies like that’s totally normal this show is the fucking worst.
  • Kim: Josh M with the laser eyes! I totally forgot about how much he freaks me out
  • Braxton: Jesus, he does not break eye contact.
  • Kim: His laser eyes read minds
  • Meghan: it’s so hard out there being a former pro baseball player, being athletic, handsome, popular, and successful comes with so many painful STEREOTYPES
  • Oscar: Don’t stereotype me, brah.
  • Braxton: HAHA YESSSS DRUNK CRAIG
  • Braxton: His drunk glistening eyes...I've seen those in the mirror a few million times.
  • Oscar: I’d hang out with Craig the Drunk.
  • Meghan: if you looked like josh, I’m sure he’d want to hang out with you, too
  • Braxton: THERE'S ANDREW!
  • Kim: ANDREW!
  • Meghan: Whoops, there he goes again, like a candle in the wind
  • Oscar: Oh, goddammit, the fucking pantsaprenuer. Oh, godammit, the fucking opera singer.
  • Kim: oh god
  • Braxton: oh no...please stop singing.
  • Kim: This opera singer needs to leave like yesterday
  • Braxton: Never tell a drunk person that they can ask you anything.
  • Kim: well he's not hot or smooth. worst thing about your parents? worst question ever.
  • Kim: Party bus and fireball? None of this was Craig's fault
  • Oscar: I don’t think I’d want to hang out with Craig the Drunk.
  • Braxton: Homoerotic pool party. Check!
  • Oscar: Biggest drama of the night: You guys are being too loud by the pool.
  • Meghan: why is Andi so traumatized by Craig getting drunk and jumping in the pool, like it’s an affront to her very humanity?
  • Kim: Who's the other guy in the pool and why isn't she giving him shit too? It's just so easy to blame the drunk chubby ex frat president
  • Braxton: Drunk chubby ex frat presidents have rights TOO. I'm starting an organization for them.
  • Kim: You don't get blacked out on first dates? You're doing it wrong
  • Braxton: If you were straight, guaranteed you would date Craig. At least for a day or two.
  • Kim: I'd be like, he's not THAT bad you guys
  • Braxton: He's really fun you guys.
  • Kim: So what if he puked in my bed a couple times. Your guys' boyfriends don't do that?
  • Meghan: He’s a happy drunk, you guys! He hates his body, too, you guys!
  • Braxton: I'm legit worried that Craig might drown.
  • Kim: Someone has to go be the hero and convince the drunk person to leave. hardest thing in the world to do
  • Oscar: “Being here for the right reasons” What are the right reasons? I need this answered. I’m guessing this is an oft-repeated phrase.
  • Meghan: The right reasons are love and forever. The wrong reasons are anything realistic.
  • Braxton: Andi, one of your 38 guys got drunk. Shut up. Is she crying?
  • Kim: If a girl cries on the first date, deal breaker. One of my only deal breakers
  • Braxton: She sounds stuffed up. She spends too much of her day wet...she's catching a cold.
  • Kim: I don't understand why they won't let her eliminate more people. Kim: Like if she knows she's not into half these guys, why does she have to keep spending time with them as opposed to the ones she does really like? THERE IS NO LOGIC HERE
  • Braxton: because they need this show to last the whole summer
  • Braxton: *screaming internally*
  • Braxton: *and externally*
  • Oscar: Do you think farmer dude does up his faux-hawk every morning before farming? How much farming do most farmers do? Man, I don’t know anything about farming.
  • Braxton: Why isn't Andi wearing a floppy hat?
  • Kim: That's 40s glam? Also, 40s glam is a thing? shut up, no it's not
  • Braxton: yeah, that is not at all 40s glam
  • Braxton: sorry, bitch, can't put that past the gays
  • Meghan: I think she looks cute! But yeah it’s definitely more “summer wedding bridesmaid” glam
  • Braxton: Let's get real, she'll never pick the farmer. Although, I don't think I would be into her knowing that she lives in Atlanta.
  • Kim: haha you'd be all "You're from where? No thanks, I don't want the rose"
  • Oscar: Another fucking bowtie. Bowties are fedoras’ slightly cooler cousins.
  • Braxton: THOSE OLD PEOPLE ARE STAGED, WORST ACTORS EVER
  • Braxton: "We met on reality tv"
  • Oscar: AND NOW HERE’S AN ADORABLE OLD MAN WITH A BOW TIE AND A FEDORA. The Old Gods are smiting me.
  • Kim: Chris the farmer has an uncomfortable giggle when he's nervous. I've just shattered the glass for you - it's all you'll notice now
  • Oscar: “You are the one.” Shut up shut up. You’ve known this person for 8 hours.
  • Braxton: He looks like Nigel Thornberry when he smiles. His upper lips tucks wayyyyyy up there. All top teeth.
  • Kim: it's hiding. it'll come out later when he mouth hugs her
  • Braxton: ew, "mouth hugs.” that phrase grosses me out. I hope you don't call it that when you're on a date.
  • Kim: I walk the girl to her front door and then go, "So, we gonna mouth hug or what?" works every time
  • Braxton: *dials 911* Siri, call the police.
  • Braxton: Ew, that face she's making. She looks like a sad face emoticon. excuse me, 40s Glam Sad Face Emoticon
  • Braxton: I'm anxiously awaiting the nervous giggle. ohhh will he giggle? OHHHHH I SENSE A GIGGLE
  • Kim: he looks like he's holding it in and it hurts
  • Braxton: He thought her big surprise was going to be a kiss.
  • Kim: or boobs
  • Braxton: And instead it's a band that he's never heard of. "cool, Andi"
  • Oscar: This band has taken their street cred and poured it into a flaming dumpster fire. You can’t have that beard and then agree to be on The Bachelorette, bud. Also, this sounds like a Train or Five for Fighting song. So gross.
  • Meghan: ONE TIME THE BAND *WAS* TRAIN!!!!!
  • Kim: first mouth hug!
  • Braxton: They're in GA at their own private concert. Bummer
  • Braxton: This band though...it sounds like something I would be angsty to in 9th grade.
  • Kim: recapping this while sober and alone is much more difficult than with wine and people
  • Braxton: I'm in the same boat. Thayer keeps walking in and out of the room...shaking his head.
  • Meghan: Finally, the rose ceremony. Because my rosé ceremony is empty.
  • Kim: Man she REALLY likes her sequins
  • Braxton: Nice Prom Dress Andi! Where did you get it, Sears?
  • Braxton: Ah, I kinda like Nick. He's a goofball.
  • Kim: He made his own date. It's adorable.
  • Braxton: Ew, sorry for saying "goofball"
  • Meghan: I keep thinking he’s British. He just looks British. I like him!
  • Oscar: “I wanna be with someone who, like, when we’re, like, 60 years old, like, we’re still, like, cracking jokes.” Well said, buddy.
  • Oscar: The conversations on this show are super-realistic, which means that none of the conversations on this show are good.
  • Kim: You meet a girl and you're like "probably could marry her"? Really? That's not a normal way to go about your day to day life
  • Meghan: This isn’t day to day life, it’s a REAL LIFE FAIRY TALE
  • Kim: Marquel! THAT TIE! With that shirt! Abort!
  • Braxton: That's not even power clashing
  • Kim: and those socks!
  • Braxton: SO MANY PATTERNS. If he doesn't get eliminated for those three different patterns...I swear to god.
  • Kim: Marquel should ask someone else to dress him
  • Braxton: Don't ask Andi. She'll put him in sequins.
  • Oscar: #SavetheBlackGuy
  • Braxton: What a bitch! "You're rambling"
  • Braxton: "uhh fuck you too, bitch."
  • Kim: Laser Eyes gets the second kiss? woof
  • Braxton: ohhhh...she's 6th grade girl flirting.
  • Braxton: Craig gives some really uncomfortable hugs.
  • Kim: He doesn't have a drink in his hand. Good first step
  • Braxton: If a beetle were to give you a hug, that's what it would look like.
  • Braxton: Oh fuck he's singing her a song. Oh god...he needs to stop singing before she throws herself into that fireplace.
  • Meghan: I’m getting second-hand-embarrassment hives for Craig during this song. Bless his poor, little, dumb heart.
  • Oscar: If I had to give out a rose tonight, it’d 100% go to Andi’s boobs.
  • Braxton: That dress has to be flammable...she needs to move away from all fire.
  • Braxton: No Craig. I can forgive the drinking, but I cannot forgive you singing me a song that you wrote about your drinking. Sashay away.
  • Meghan: I legit don’t even remember the first 3 guys she just gave roses to. Is she going in backwards order? Were they always here? WHO ARE RON, DYLAN AND JJ?!
  • Braxton: Chris Harrison is the type of guy who would say "no homo" just about every time he interacts with another man.
  • Kim: I'm just the host of the Bachelor and Bachelorette, no homo
  • Braxton: Exactly. I can't get over how disgusting that dress is.
  • Braxton: Ohhhhh Marquel makes it in!
  • Kim: I can't get over Marquel's outfit! Maybe they really are meant for each other
  • Braxton: Him and Andi can bond over their terrible style choices.
  • Oscar: The style of boredom of this show is weird and purgatorial and sorta hypnotically brilliant. I want to stop watching but I’m too fatigued by the persistent mediocrity to do anything else.
  • Braxton: ANDREW IS IN
  • Oscar: One black guy saved. Boom. The other black guy saved. Hoorah.
  • Braxton: GAY WEDDING COORDINATOR IS IN
  • Kim: Yeah, what? Is she blind?
  • Oscar: “My name’s Tasos and I’d like to ‘Tasos Your Salad’ if you know what I mean.” Sorry I’m exhausted end rose ceremony end please end this.
  • Braxton: Laser eyes. In. Ew, what!? Cody??
  • Meghan: I literally just went to Cody’s bio page to find out what she could POSSIBLY see in him and found out that his favorite book is My Side of the Mountain. A children’s book. Mission failed.
  • Braxton: Aw, okay, I'm glad she chose Nick.
  • Braxton: Oh God, Craig is gonna get fuuuucked up tonight ya'll.
  • Braxton: Opera singer, peace out. WAIT WHAT
  • Kim: noooooooooo way
  • Braxton: howwwwwwwwwwwww
  • Oscar: WTF was that from Chris Harrison? Is that his deal? Just shows up with one rose left to tell everyone there’s one rose left? Is there a large blind viewership for this show? We can see the one fucking rose, you guys. Fuck you, Harrison.
  • Meghan: That is just the way things are DONE around here, Oscar. (Plus it probably helps Cody.)
  • Kim: the hipster with the fake glasses may be crying
  • Meghan: I guess being a firefighter isn’t “one of the most popular female sexual fantasties” after all, that exotic dancer better arrange a new scientific survey
  • Braxton: Oh Andi, don't give him a sad face! Bitch, this was YOUR decision.
  • Kim: oh it's Carl! He was my favorite! Looks wise, obvi
  • Braxton: I kinda hope they show Craig leaving in a party bus.
  • Kim: You have no one to blame but yourself Craig. That and whoever arranged the party bus and fireball
  • Oscar: I really thought that….WHAT?!?!?! TWO NIGHTS NEXT WEEK?!?!? NO NO NO Oh, nevermind Boyz II Men are involved okay I’m back in.
  • Braxton: NOOOOOOOO! fuck you ABC, what did I ever do to you? I was a viewer of Desperate Housewives for GOD SAKE
  • Braxton: Oh great, she cries next week. K, well it's been real.
  • Meghan: Except mostly fake.
Chat
  • Kim: Bachelorette live thoughts episode #1
  • Meghan: Yay hangouts!!!!
  • Oscar: Hey guys!
  • Braxton: Hi!
  • Oscar: This girl loves the law!
  • Kim: She's been a lawyer for like a year and a half. I think she graduated in 2012.
  • Braxton: Whoa, she QUIT HER JOB??
  • Meghan: She is a crime fighter
  • Kim: with a heart of GOLD
  • Braxton: Is "The Bachelorette" a career path now? Did she major in fucking horrible court acting?
  • Oscar: Since this is my first experience with the Bachelorette, would you guys please explain the appeal of this particular lady?
  • Meghan: Andi is a woman whose wit and eyebrows could both cut glass. She is of above average intelligence so everyone thought she was a genius. Last season her dad was awesome and called out Juan Pablo for being a piece of shit.
  • Oscar: And her version of “having fun” = trying on hats
  • Braxton: Finding a husband=finding new lesbian outfits
  • Braxton: And wearing pajama shorts on the beach
  • Kim: Those were lesbian outfits? I've been doing it wrong the whole time!!
  • Meghan: Oooooh tonight’s episode includes a party crasher!!!!!!
  • Oscar: That guy cased the joint and hid out for seven days? Did i hear that right? Was he in the suit the whole time? How did he eat?
  • Meghan: The suit is made of Andi's hair
  • Kim: First impressions?
  • Braxton: My first thought was: Wow, that fake court scene was incredible. The old woman taking notes made it super realistic
  • Kim: Mine are: Why in the world would anyone want to date a girl without a job? Are we to assume she'll just get a new one? She should really specify
  • Meghan: Maybe it's sabbatical
  • Oscar: Was that her quitting her job at the beginning? I don't understand anything about this.
  • Braxton: Yes!! She loved her career and she quit to try and find love on ABC. Like any normal person.
  • Kim: She packed up her office, Oscar
  • Oscar: She can drive a car at least. Impressive.
  • Meghan: Worst case scenario she will be making Sauve commercials in a year
  • Braxton: Drink every time she says "literally"
  • Oscar: She literally had butterflies in her stomach, you guys.
  • Kim: New fad diet: consuming live butterflies
  • Oscar: "Kissing is, like, important." Good talk, sis.
  • Braxton: Like, WOW!
  • Kim: She is treating this like it's her wedding day. And that dress is 4000 jewels past elegant.
  • Braxton: Muller just walked in and she thought the Bachelorette was a drag queen.
  • Braxton: Definitely, start crying
  • Kim: Cue alcohol
  • Braxton: Bros in a limo y'all
  • Meghan: Haha Andrew gave that limo toast so sarcastically. (HI ANDREW!!)
  • Kim: Andrew Poole got the first line! That’s a clear sign of penis size, you guys
  • Braxton: She's jerking her wedding ring finger off
  • Oscar: To be a dude and want to go on this show is an unfathomable idea.
  • Meghan: SELFIE is a real TV show?!?
  • Oscar: YEP
  • Braxton: Whyyyyyy
  • Oscar: The premise of Selfie, from a real article: "a scripted TV comedy about a self-absorbed 20-ish woman who is more concerned with “likes” online than being liked in reality.”
  • Kim: So HBO's Girls?
  • Braxton: ...so, it's The Bachelorette?
  • Meghan: Hahaha that Selfie description is my hell
  • Braxton: So many cow-related commercials
  • Kim: Why buy the cow if you could get the milk for free? These commercials are just reminding Andi to keep it chaste
  • Meghan: How would you guys feel in heaven if your legacy was having a season of this show dedicated to your memory?
  • Oscar: Guy #1: Marcus the Steroids Peddler
  • Meghan: Chris is a farmerrrrr
  • Kim: Could Chris not bother to shave before this?
  • Braxton: Now that guy is missing his upper lip
  • Oscar: BOW TIE GUY NO NO ABORT ABORT
  • Braxton: Whoa, is this gay bill NYE??
  • Braxton: Into it
  • Meghan: Guy 3 is a pantsapreneur!!!!!!
  • Braxton: That black guy has got a HUGE … tie
  • Braxton: I kinda hope this guy locks her to the gate
  • Kim: She's gonna go get that key and undo that lock right quick. A fountain isn't really a great place to hide a key
  • Braxton: Oh no
  • Braxton: Oh GOD
  • Braxton: POPPED COLLAR ON A JACKET?
  • Oscar: I didn't know that was possible
  • Kim: Shut. It. Down.
  • Kim: "I would be so into that if I were 15" - Emily Ferrier on Steven the snowboarder
  • Oscar: "Fun attorney humor" …. Oh, shut up.
  • Kim: Ooooooo Carl... I may be gay but that Fireman is HAWT
  • Braxton: I would like to offer you this magic 8 ball
  • Braxton: NO. NOT THAT HAIR
  • Meghan: 90s Beck is in the house
  • Braxton: Woof. Get out. Get the HELL out
  • Oscar: Does the Bachelor/Bachelorette ever say like "Hey, no you actually suck. It's not a pleasure to meet you"?
  • Meghan: I hate when women say "I'm a hugger"
  • Braxton: I agree with Meghan
  • Kim: Too much gel in his hair. It’s clogging his thoughts
  • Oscar: Is the bachelorette usually a one black guy situation?
  • Meghan: Yeah they don't even pretend to diversify
  • Kim: Emil looks like he could be her dad
  • Braxton: Well, you guys, I have to go do something even gayer than discussing Amal. I'm gonna go watch some drag queens compete. [Braxton exits stage left to LOGO for the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race]
  • Meghan: Hahahaha "anal with an m" but that was gonna be the name of my sex tape :(
  • Kim: Guy with the lamp is a thief! It's like Aladdin?
  • Oscar: Black Guy #2
  • Kim: Soooooo already hammered guy just graduated college after 6 full years at university and was frat president... that must've been hard for him to leave to go to another house full of men
  • Oscar: Don't sing don't sing don't sing don't sing
  • Kim: or don't talk
  • Meghan: There was an opera singer literally last season!!!
  • Oscar: Pro Golfers don't need to go on the Bachelorette
  • Meghan: Two surfer dudes?!
  • Oscar: "Explorer" ... eff you
  • Meghan: Oscar, that's the guy who died
  • Oscar: ehhhhh... is this the guy who died? yikes
  • Kim: awkward
  • Oscar: I’m just gonna go ahead and sit a few plays out
  • Kim: Josh may have x-ray vision with those laser eyes
  • Oscar: It seems clear that people who don't have a stupid gimmick fare far better in this "game", right?
  • Meghan: Yeah you guys it's not too late to turn back. As someone who has recapped too many episodes of this show... Just protect yourselves okay, I care about you guys
  • Kim: What happened? I've drank so much wine I've blacked out
  • Oscar: we’re so far in and literally nothing has happened
  • Oscar: The most dishonest part of this show might be the way it portrays an idyllic version of LA
  • Kim: first impression rose time! I didn't even know that was a thing! Give it to lamp dude!
  • Oscar: Have other bachelorettes been bitchier? I feel like she's too nice.
  • Meghan: They're always nice on night 1
  • Kim: Cookie tasting? He must REALLY wanna taste her cookie, ifyaknowwhatimsayin
  • Oscar: The black and white cookie. A symbol of unity.
  • Meghan: "The thing about me is, you'll always be 2nd to cookies"
  • Kim: Way to make everyone feel awkward with the first impression rose. What's funny is that is how most men react when they see a rose... this is not unique to the bachelorette. They're like "Oh shit, get it away from me!"
  • Meghan: Oh nooooooo the stalker is a former douchtestant!!!
  • Kim: who is that Meghan?
  • Meghan: His name is Chris. He was on The Bachelorette 2 seasons ago, and then Bachelor Pad. He is an egomaniacal idiot and we hate him.
  • Kim: Awesome. I like to be told how I feel about men because I get confused otherwise
  • Meghan: "We"=bachelor fandom at large
  • Oscar: Controversial Opinion: I like him.
  • Oscar: I appreciate his gumption and cunning
  • Meghan: Gumption and cunning would have gotten him past the security tent
  • Oscar: "Gumption and Cunning" would be a good buddy cop show on USA
  • Meghan: Lol
  • Oscar: this guy still has that middle school mustache
  • Kim: Andi is really working her Lean In this episode
  • Oscar: NO NO NO, STOP IT OPERA GUY
  • Oscar: May the personalities arise
  • Meghan: Andrew’s face during opera guy’s solo was like >:D
  • Kim: Shut up! I love cars too! And suits! What a bromance!
  • Meghan: Oh no Andrew got looped into the snob bracket
  • Kim: Only because Andrew sees no competition - like Bianca Del Rio
  • Oscar: For my money, this security guy with the hair is the star of this episode so far
  • Oscar: My first thoughts about this Chris Harrison fellow: He's no Jeff Probst
  • Meghan: Unfair. Chris Harrison is the composed, manipulative witch that holds this farce together
  • Kim: Because he knows it's about "trust" Meghan
  • Oscar: He seems two-faced. I think Probst should host every TV show, though.
  • Kim: Similarly, I think Louie Anderson should host every show
  • Oscar: Or Steve Harvey
  • Kim: Really anyone who has hosted Family Feud
  • Oscar: "What do I think about farming? Uh, it's cool." - Andi
  • Kim: The music is trying really hard to make this conversation with Chris seem interesting
  • Oscar: How many of these jabronis go home tonight?
  • Meghan: uhh… 7? 3? 10?
  • Oscar: "All I have is just handing her a lamp" is a terrible sentence to have to say out loud.
  • Meghan: Hahahaha such a bleachable moment
  • Oscar: I don't think I’ve ever had a bleachable moment
  • Kim: Not even sitting through the past hour and ten minutes?
  • Meghan: IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIME
  • Oscar: This guitar music is the fucking worst. Is this a standard thing?
  • Meghan: Yes :((((
  • Kim: Opera singer is totally out. So is one of the black dudes, lezbehonest
  • Oscar: ugh
  • Meghan: Bill NYE the science guy BILL bill bill
  • Oscar: Keeping bow tie guy is a bad move.
  • Oscar: IM ROOTING FOR MARKEL TO WIN THIS THING
  • Oscar: Get bodybuilder Macklemore out of here
  • Kim: THIS IS SO INTENSE
  • Kim: or wine
  • Kim: I can't tell
  • Kim: WHAT?!?! Opera singer is in? Before Andrew? bullshit
  • Meghan: NOOOOOO
  • Kim: One guy is already crying. Too soon bro
  • Kim: Both black guys? Curveball, Andi. Maybe you really are different!!!
  • Meghan: I'm rooting for the sexy meatball farmer
  • Oscar: Both fucking bow tie guys? C’mon!
  • Meghan: The fact that Cody got a rose negates this whole thing
  • Kim: She's not a huge fan of long hair, or short dudes, or anal with an m
  • Meghan: Andi hates the X games
  • Oscar: Ya, Andi's not very xtreme
  • Kim: Jason was a young Haymitch so good choice Andi because he turns into an alcoholic
  • Meghan: Nooooo, bye 90’s Beck!!!
  • Kim: No Josh, NOW you're embarrassing yourself
  • Oscar: bro Bro BRO
  • Kim: This season on the bachelorette: Man tears
  • Meghan: Whelp... What do you guys think?
  • Oscar: I don't like what just happened.
  • Kim: That I am really upset that Macklemore lookalike personal trainer seems to be getting a lot of screen time. Already don't like him.
  • Meghan: I mean do you really wanna do this for 10 weeks just saying
  • [Everyone signs out.]
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After a year-long hiatus during which I cast off my self-imposed Bachelor recapping burden to pursue loftier, more enriching pursuits (still watching every single episode of The Bachelor and just mocking it to myself/my boyfriend/my friend Carla via text message)… I’M BACK!

And the reason I’m back is very simple: Because I actually KNOWWWW someone on this season of The Bachelorette. His name is Andrew and he is great, but it looks like ABC is going to make him look like he’s a jerk, and that is just plain irresponsible and RUDE of the beloved TV network that brought us Work It, I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!, Are You Hot?, and Home Alone 4.

But this season, I (we) am doing things a little differently. I’m spreading the wealth/responsibility! In the same vein as another great ABC show, Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place (aka Two Guys and a Girl because, as we’ve shown, ABC has no respect for us as viewers), today I am thrilled to announce that this season, your weekly Bachelorette recaps will come in the form of a conversation. A conversation between A Straight Guy, A Gay Guy, a Straight Girl, and a Gay Girl.

The straight guy is my friend Oscar, who loves movies, Jeff Probst, and Mark Cuban (according to his Facebook page). He has never seen The Bachelor(ette) before, and does not know Andrew, but can probably relate to him because they are both social media managers looking for likes love.

The gay guy is my friend Braxton, who loves Cher, Mean Girls, sports, and writing about sports on his sports blog about sports. He has never seen The Bachelor(ette) before and does not know Andrew, but can probably relate to his desire to live in a house full of attractive, meticulously groomed and amply-muscled men.

The gay girl is my friend Kim, who loves Kelly Clarkson, Harry Potter, Dawson’s Creek, and writing on her blog, KimWetter.com. She has never seen The Bachelor(ette) sober before, and DOES know Andrew, and this was her idea so she gets all the credit/blame.

And the straight girl is me! I love The Bachelor (uh no doy), makeup, meet-cutes, and slow dancing on the toes of my dad. Classic straight girl stuff! 

What follows is our conversation during the first episode of this season of The Bachelorette, starring ANDI, the sexy assistant district attorney who “famously” told Bachelor Juan Pablo to FINALLY shut his Juan Pie-Hole and was rewarded with having to quit her legitimate job and embark on this probably doomed and pointless adventure, tarnishing her reputation forever. BUT WHAT IF SHE FINDS HER FOREVER LOVE? (I HOPE IT’S ANDREW BUT THEN AGAIN I DON’T! CONFLICTED!) If she does, we will be there, chatting our congratulations and skepticism. 

OK HERE WE GOOOOO!

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First things first. I am aware that I did not recap The Women Tell All. I watched it, but every time I sat down to recap it, I got this overwhelming urge to literally do anything else for fear that I might shove a pen in my jug…ular. So, I didn’t. Let’s just say I was “busy” (trying not to hate my life).

But I will say this: I TOTALLY NAILED IT on Tierra, didn’t I? Not only did she reveal that she is A) completely detached from reality or any ability to take responsibility for herself and B) engaged to a poor, rich schmuck with tacky taste in rings, but also C) SHE WAS A BABY PAGEANT QUEEN. Of course she was. I called that shit in week 4. Anyway, just wanted to get that brag out of the way. And to reiterate: Never put your child in pageants, or she will grow up to be like Tierra.

Now! I am also aware that you might believe this recap is so late as to render it totally useless. And to that I would say, “Except for the LAFFS!” Laffs are timeless. Now, on to the big, bloated buffoonery of this finale! 

Holey effing ess, you guys (gals). The day we’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. When, instead of being vilified for dating 25 women, the world’s most ab-tacular manilla envelope, Sean Lowe, will be rewarded with a fiancee. And his fiancee will be rewarded with a proposal whose underlying message will be, “I picked you. You’re so lucky. Because I, picked, you.”

Chris Harrison really wants us to consider this finale “live,” except that all of the important parts are not live at all. It’s hard not to think of The Hunger Games as I watch our soulless host taunt this audience of middle-aged women, who scream and cry and cheer with pure, twisted lust as they anticipate the hour of someone’s ultimate heartbreak. (Just so you know, I will be ignoring these “live” segments from now on. Ain’t nobody got time for that.)

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE BOTH OF MY GIRLFRIENDS, ONE OF WHOM I WILL PROPOSE TO THIS WEEK, CHRISTIAN FAMILY

Sean’s family is in Thailand to meet both girls and give Sean advice that he will inevitably ignore. But we’re gonna glaze over most of that, because

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No duh, the family loves both girls, because both girls are very lovable. And by this point, both girls are very, very, VERRRRY practiced in their canned responses about loving Sean for who he is (who IS he, though?!) and wanting to find their best friend for lyfe and being ready to get married and pop out some infants and just being super, duper excited for “the future.” Both interactions play out almost identically, making this segment not only useless to Sean’s final decision, but extremely boring.

However we ARE treated to lots of great quotes from Sean, who, while debating his choices ahead of the proposal, proves that he should not be proposing to anyone at all:

"Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife as well." (still wants to propose, and still eloquent as ever)

"I think I could probably have a long, happy marriage with both Catherine and Lindsay at this point." (still DYING to propose, and possibly contemplating polygamy)

"My mother believes that if I’m in love with both women, I shouldn’t propose to either of them." (Ugh, MOMS, always with their rational thinking and grounded life experience, right?!)

"I wish I could say which girl I’m in love with and which girl I want to spend the rest of my life with … but right now that’s not the case." Still determined to propose, though! 

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Other than that, we learn that a Care Bear found a way to transform into a human man and name himself Sean’s Dad. The man is a bespectacled angel on Earth!

LAST CHANCE DATES

Now it’s time for Sean to put the girls to their final, excruciating test: another day alone with him. First up is Lindsay. Which means more conversations like this:

Lindsay: “These feelings I’m feeling for you are just so emotional.”

Sean: “I know.”

Lindsay: “I feel like I know you so well.”

Sean: “You do know me so well.”

Lindsay: “I love you. Really, really mean it.”

Sean: “Thank you.”

Lindsay: “I’ve never meant it so much before.”

Sean: “Aww.”

Lindsay: “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I just wish I knew what you were thinking.”

Sean: “I’m thinking that you look really pretty tonight.”

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Despite his inability/unwillingness to ever reciprocate, Lindsay just never stops ciprocating. It is PAINFUL. They end the date by writing vague wishes like “Happiness” and “Family” on Thai lanterns (oh yeah, BTW, all of this is still taking place in Thailand) and sending them off into the sky. Lindsay says, “I feel like this was 24 years in the making,” reminding us that she is only 24, yet possesses the all-encompassing desperation of someone twice her age. (Like Ashlee.) (BOOM!)

For Catherine’s date, Sean surprises her with an elephant ride (still nothing like normal life? CHECK!). Apparently to tell the elephant which direction to go, you have to kick it in the ears. Poor elephant! So after kicking a poor, defenseless elephant in the ears together, Catherine and Sean sit down to chat. She tells him that she’s “so excited” about their future life together. But her eyes are dead, she’s not smiling and she won’t look him in the face when she says it, sooo … uhh … I just wanted to point that out. Also, the element of the future that they pinpoint being excited about is “engagement parties.” Engagement parties? Of everything you could experience as a couple for the rest of your natural lives? Engagement parties. REALLY?

Later, Catherine does some ciprocating of her own, but she actually gets frustrated when Sean gives her nothing back. She says, “I love you,” and he responds by kissing her forehead and saying “Thank you for today.” WHY do these women love him again? Someone PLEASE give me a good reason that has nothing to do with abs or Aryan good looks.

As opposed to Lindsay’s blind, deaf and DUMB optimism at the end of her date, Catherine ends hers feeling worried and terrified. She leaves in tears, as ya do when your non-exclusive boyfriend kisses you on the forehead when you say that you love him. All Catherine wants is for Sean to meet her half way, but the cruel structure of this disgusting game prevents him from doing that. She is operating purely on faith, assumption and untested hypotheticals. Which is exactly why these “relationships” fail. The people who fall the hardest are only falling for false hope.

WHOA. We just took a detour to Serious Bummer Town. Time to get back on track. It’s time for the final rose ceremony, which means Sean gets to pick out a $50,000 engagement ring with his personal shopper/sponsor, Neil Lane. After choosing one oversized bauble from a limited selection of three oversized baubles, it’s time for Sean to get dressed and dolled up for his big “leap of faith.” I wish you zero luck, Sean. Zero luck and God’s speed.

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THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Lindsay is wearing silver and Catherine is wearing gold—unknowingly symbolizing their places on the podium!

Lindsay arrives first, which history dictates means that she is about to get DUUUUUUUUUMPED.

But she doesn’t know that! She purrs, “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged!” Never have the words “Don’t count your chickens” been uttered behinds the scenes of The Bachelor. Never.

Sean starts by telling Lindsay all the reasons she’s super great … but then he gets to the “but.” You can actually pinpoint the moment when she realizes what is about to happen.

"You amaze me, you really do."

STILL HAS NO IDEA:

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"… which is why this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do."

AAAAND THERE IT IS:

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"Waaaait … whuuuuuut?"

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Sean’s version of “It’s not you, it’s me,” is, “I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart is leading me somewhere else.”

She just nods silently, racing to process this complex information. And he JUST. KEEPS. TALKING. He even says that he loves her!!!!! “It’s OK,” she says meekly, just wanting to jump into the serene river backdrop and drown. She literally has to beg him to stop. Stop force-feeding her “closure,” as if it’s easier to lose the “love of your life” when he tells you how close you were to having him. "This is so hard for ME, because if Catherine had simply not been cast as one of my twenty five options, you and I would be engaged right now! You were #2 out of 24! And I have no control over that! Life is completely arbitrary and we’re all just messy lumps of matter with hormones and random synapses dictating our relationships! Doesn’t that make you feel better?”

And then comes the best goodbye in the history of this television programme. Lindsay, take it away:

"Well … I’m gonna go. This is my nightmare."

And then she took off her 5-inch glitter heels and walked out.

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She went on to get all mushy again, but let’s just play editor for the poor girl and say FULL STOP, END OF GOODBYE, AND THE GOODBYE GOLD MEDAL GOES TO MISS LINDSAY.

In the Final Limo of Ultimate Rejection, Lindsay shows a side that we don’t often see on The Bachelor: understanding. She is completely heartbroken (which she claims to have felt “100 times,” huhhhhh?) and yet, “in a sick, twisted place in my head, I’m happy for them,” she says. “I just want to grow old with someone. … I DON’T WANNA BE ALONE.”

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At this point, I am fully exhausted. So we’re gonna speed-recap the rest of this ish, or it would be 5,000 more words and no one wants that.

- After dumping Lindsay, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter from Catherine. Is she backing out? OH NO!

- J/K, the letter is just another promise of her everlasting devotion to him. PHEW!

- Catherine shows up at the rose ceremony. She looks great. Sean tells her why she’s just, like, the best. She giggles.

- He gets down on one knee. She looks like she might have a panic attack.

- He asks her to marry him. And she says YES!

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- He puts the ring on her finger, and they hug it out.

- Then they ride off into the sunset on another poor elephant getting its ears kicked by Catherine’s heels. 

- And they will live happily ever after for at least the next 6 months. THE END!

J/K again, there’s a whole other hour of repeated questions and reopened wounds that they like to call “After the Final Rose.” But WHO has the time? Here’s what happened:

- Sean and Catherine are still together and plan to marry “soon” on television, of course.

- Lindsay prayered her grief away.

- And Dez is going to be the next Bachelorette!!! Which starts in May. Oh god that is so soon.

Congratulations, Sean and Catherine. I hope you defy all the odds and actually live a happy life together. (OK, that wish is mostly directly at Catherine. I couldn’t care less what happens to Sean.) THE END FOR REAL!

(Until Mayyyyy…) ;)

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OMG, Sean is down to the final three bridetestants! Last week, he met their parents, and this week, he’s going to meet their private parts—or at least that’s what he would be doing, if he weren’t a born-again virgin. A choice that has been handled very respectfully and delicately in the media, per their usual methods.

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A “sexless engagement” broadcast on the cover of tabloid?! Truly, Sean is every girl’s dream.

But back to tonight. Which three women will Sean ask to kneel for bedtime prayers before chastely bear-hugging her upper back in what used to be the rose-petal-covered premarital sex palace known as the Fantasy Suite?

Let’s refresh our memz. First, there’s Ashlee:

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She’s cripplingly desperate, treats every interaction like it is therapy, reverently refers to Sean as “this man” like he’s her cult leader and is deathly afraid of abandonment. Ashlee is exhausting. Can’t believe she’s still single! Such a good idea for her to be on this show!

Then we have Catherine:

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Like a beautiful, raven-haired pony whose Ritalin prescription has expired, she’s the giggly free spirit who’s always up for an adventure! But can Sean tame this hyperactive stallion of sweetness … and does she even want to be tamed? 

And finally, there’s Lindsay:

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The one who showed up the first night in a wedding dress, and yet is still here. She’s so sweet and pretty, it might take you quite a while to realize she’s … a little slow. But that’s an endearing quality, right? Especially when you’re looking for the future mother of your unborn children whose DNA would be half hers, right?

The episode starts off with lots of chingy-chongy-gongy music, so we know we’re in Asia. Thailand, to be specific. That’s where Pad Thai was born!!!! I’m a huge fan. (Personally, I would rather marry Pad Thai than Sean.)

Sean knows he is on the verge of a heart-wrenching heterosexual decision, which is why he looks so anxious and heterosexual before the dates:

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His future’s so sexless, he’s gotta wear shaaaaaades!

After ten minutes of unnecessary recap (not this recap, the episode’s recap of the previous episodes, which have each, in turn, recapped and re-recapped and re-re-recapped each other like a set of Russian nesting dolls filled with cliched romantic garbage), we finally get to the dates.

Date #1: Eating Bugs (and Each Other’s Faces) with Lindsay

Before she even sees him for the first time, Lindsay is mentally preparing to tell Sean that she loves him. Last week, she told him that she was “falling in love” with him, so it’s not like it’s going to be much of a surprise, but she is still terrified. They go to a Thai marketplace, where they encounter neon-dyed chickens, exotic fruits and edible bugs.

Earlier, Lindsay said she would do anything except eat a bug, so of course Sean reacted by immediately forcing her to eat a bug. That’s Sean’s brand of love, and if she doesn’t like it, he’s got two other willingly bug-eating worshipers waiting in the wings.

They sit down on the beach and exchange sweet nothings, but Lindsay STILL can’t say that she loves Sean, so they make out instead. Sean is distractingly sunburned, like a blond lobster.

Then they go and feed the beach monkeys. You know, the beach monkeys. The monkeys that live on the beach and will eat out of your hand. Those beach monkeys. Then they go to a private dinner in front two technicolor Thai boat floats, which look like less tacky, non-moving carnival rides. It’s an insanely ornate and unrealistic backdrop, providing a harsh contrast for more of Sean and Lindsay’s boring conversations about marriage and family. Then, right when she’s about to utter the “L” word, a bunch of Thai dancers come out of nowhere and ruin her moment with their beautiful cultural display. Lindsay is peeved.

Then it’s time for the FANTASY SUITE CARD! No doy, Lindsay accepts the invitation—her tiny bustier dress already accepted it an hour ago.

In the Fantasy Suite, Lindsay finally tells Sean that she loves him. Contractually, Sean isn’t allowed to say the word “love” until he gets down on bended knee in front of the TV cameras, revealing to his future bride for the first time that she’s the lucky one who gets to date him exclusively, and then immediately proposes. (Otherwise the words would be meaningless.) So he conveys his happiness with his tongue instead. Here is a depiction of their special moment, using delicious hamburgers instead of disgusting humans:

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They then retire privately to the Fantasy Suite bed, where they snuggle all night with enough room for the Holy Ghost between them. Amen.

Date #2: Exploring Scary, Dark Caves (of Her Consciousness) with Ashlee

Not even a minute into Ashlee’s date, she’s already saying that Sean is the love of her life—but she’s still terrified that he will abandon her (because he will). An army of insecurities are clawing their way through her twisted brain at every given moment. And that’s even BEFORE Sean reveals that in order to get to their private beach, they have to swim through a pitch black cave. (www.whitewhine.com)

Of course the producers gave Ashlee the scariest date of the night. They know that her brain sees every activity as a test, and every interaction with Sean as a spiritual trust fall. Immediately she starts talking about how swimming through the cave is a symbol of her “letting go” and “trusting this man.” These are Ashlee’s feelings, all the time:

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They arrive at the private beach, and as Sean picks her up and kisses her in the crystal blue waters, Ashlee throws out a real doozy:

"If Sean proposed to me today, I would say yes. There is no doubt in my mind that I love this man. I don’t feel like there are two human beings who belong together more than him and I."

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Man, it’s really going to destroy her when Sean dumps her in an hour.

Later, they sit down to dinner and talk awkwardly about why they’re both still single (Sean’s too boring; Ashlee’s too desperate), and I spend most of the time distracted, trying to figure out what Ashlee’s necklace says. Gypsy? Gymnast? Gymboree? Probably Gymboree.

Even though Ashlee wishes she could have had Sean’s Aryan babies yesterday, she’s still not sure how she’ll respond to the overnight sex invitation, which, as always, is creepily signed not from Sean, but from Chris Harrison. First and last name. Sean says that he wants to “stay up all night talking” (third base) with “no distractions” (cameras). Ashlee worries that “it will come across like that boundary that’s crossed” (she is a 32 year old woman who is afraid to say the word “sex”), but she says yes anyway. Sean says, “I like knowing that you trust me.” It’s like listening to two 8th graders take it to the next level.

In the Fantasy Suite, Ashlee turns it into a Nightmare Suite by immediately telling Sean what kind of engagement ring she likes, and what size her ring finger is. They make out a lot, and then she calls “this man,” “this amazing man,” whom she’s never dated exclusively or even out of sight of television cameras, her soul mate.

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Again, I hope there are no sharp objects nearby when Sean inevitably dumps her in 30 minutes.

Date #3: Swimming in the Ocean of Love with Catherine

Sean and Catherine get on a Thai pirate ship and sail around the bay. Normal stuff. He loves her “weirdness” and how she fits into the “mold” that he has constructed in his mind for what he’s looking for in a wife. They back flip off the boat while Catherine talks about how she’s willing to “take this jump” emotionally with Sean. The whole point of the date was obviously to get that quote, so I’m sure the producers are pleased with themselves.

It starts to rain, and then everything turns into a raunchy Harlequin novel cover, with Sean’s bulging muscles threatening to squeeze the life out of Catherine while he sticks his lobster tongue down her tiny throat. Then lightning strikes! Whatever the female version of blue balls is, Catherine’s about to have them.

At dinner on shore, Chris Harrison’s third and final Fantasy Suite Card arrives. Even though Catherine and Sean openly talk about how they can see themselves getting married and having kids … they are both too nervous and uncomfortable to openly discuss (or act upon) the process it takes to make a baby. Sean pulls out the same phrases that he used on his two other girlfriends on the two previous nights, luring her into the Fantasy Suite with the promises of “no distractions” and “talking all night.”

In the Fantasy Suite, Catherine confides that people used to tease her, calling her “chubby” (WHO CALLED HER CHUBBY?!), and she never thought she could nab someone so “hunky and beefy.” In fact, she’s so self-conscious that this is the most she’s ever allowed herself to be in a bathing suit with someone.

To this endearing and vulnerable admission, Sean says dully, “Uhhh, you’re smockin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” 

First of all, for a vegan, she’s sort of obsessed with meat.

Second of all, I only have one thing to say to whoever teased Catherine about her weight.

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Third of all, while technically that was the right sentiment to express, Sean probably could have fired up those 4th and 5th brain cells to craft a more eloquent response.

The date ends with Catherine revealing that she loves Sean and thinks they’re meant to be. I hope she’s right, because she’s the only person I can stand on this goddamn disaster of a show. But then again, I hope she’s not, because she could probably do better.

Talkin’ It Out with Chris H.

In full foundation and bronzer to cover his sunburn, Sean sits down with his buddy Chris Harrison to let him know how all those Fantasy Suite invitations worked out. Thanks for the invisible wingman action, bro!

First, Sean says that he knows who he needs to dump—and he’s soooo veeeeery saaaaad to have to crush her soul, cuz she’s such a lil’ ol’ sweetie pie.

But there’s a silver lining … and that is that SEAN IS IN LOVE! He admits it!

Chris Harrison (paternal ribbing): “So you’re telling me you’re in love?”

[“sparkly unicorn playing the Spanish guitar” music begins to play]

Sean (coy smirk): “Yeah.”

[Unicorn begins to play a WICKED glitter solo]

Chris Harrison (suppressed laughter): “Wow.”

Ha, that little scene was so great! It was so sincere and yet such complete and utter bullshit. Sean’s “in love” and knows who he wants to propose to next week, and yet he only has to dump one of his three girlfriends tonight. 

Video Messages

Each woman has filmed a final video message to Sean, to signify how detached and artificial their relationships really are. Here are the highlights:

Lindsay sounds dumb and sweet, which is exactly what she is. All that matters is that her final line is, “I met you in a wedding dress, and I hope someday that I will be wearing one for you … again?”

Catherine calls Sean a “mega hunk” and says that her feelings for him “give her the wiggles.” But then she stops sounding like a cartoon character and says that she hopes they can make each other happy, and she’s falling in love with him.

Oh boy, and then it’s Ashlee’s turn. The Beautiful Mind soundtrack starts playing as she speaks. She sounds very scripted and goes on seemingly forever. Her final line begins with, “together, you and I are whole,” and then she starts weeping uncontrollably. Then she credits Sean with UNBREAKING HER HEART and says “for that, I will always love you.” 

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Sean’s face says it all: Ashlee is getting dumped. So hard.

OH MY GOD WE MIGHT ACTUALLY WITNESS THE FIRST BACHELOR SUICIDE YOU GUYS. ASHLEE IS GONNA LOSE HER MIND.

Rose Ceremony

I feel so tense that I can’t blink. I wish I could just turn this off. Even though Ashlee annoys the crap out of me, I don’t want to watch her heart get murdered. But I HAVE TO.

Sean comes out and gives a speech about how he got dumped at the final three last season and he’s bummed that he has to do the same thing to someone else today. But hey, maybe she’ll become the next Bachelorette and continue this vicious cycle of disappointment and betrayal!)

In his final words of comfort, Sean hopes this mystery loser will take solace in the knowledge that it was a very hard decision for him to not pick and love her.

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The roses! 

The first one goes to:

Lindsay

Huh. How about that. Different strokes, I guess. 

The second one goes to:

Catherine

BOOM. Ashlee looks like she is either going to murder Sean or start high-pitched screaming at any second. But instead, she chooses to walk out without a single word.

Catherine: “She … she didn’t say goodbye to us.”

Lindsay: “She. Is. PISSED.”

Ashlee walks out, Sean follows. She tries to push him away, but he asks her to listen and “leave with closure.” Like even that decision belongs to him. He explains that he thought “it was her from the very beginning,” but … uh … now he doesn’t. In conclusion, “I hope you know where I’m coming from.” Great closure. Her eyes are like KNIVES. And then she leaves.

In the SUV of Rejection, Ashlee goes on a tirade against happiness: “This wasn’t a game to me! This wasn’t a joyride! It wasn’t about laughter and giggles and having fun.”

That’s why the two fun girls got a rose and you didn’t.

Sean sits alone in the rain and cries … while his two favorite girls remain frozen on their platform, clutching their roses and watching him mourn the passing of Girlfriend #3. God, this show is sick. Why do we watch this? I think I might hate myself even more than Ashlee hates herself.

Next week: It’s the WOMEN TELL ALL! Tierra’s coming back! Eww!

And the week after that: Catherine and Lindsay meet Sean’s parents, and he says that he could see both of them as his wife. He can’t decide, but he has to propose tomorrow! Who should he choose?! Sean’s stupidity will literally make his mom cry, but that won’t stop him from getting down on one knee. Can’t wait to find out who the lucky girl is!

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Tonight, Sean visits his final four women’s hometowns, where he will meet their families and ask for permission to marry each one—if, after nine weeks of non-exclusive televised dating, she’s the lucky recipient of his final rose. What father wouldn’t say yes to that?

And, well, I guess we’re just jumping right in tonight. After seven weeks, they finally trust us not to need an explanation from Chris Harrison about how this wife auction works.Straight on to the merchandise!

Date #1: Houston with Ashleeeeeee

Ashlee and Sean have a serious, emotional, brain-numbingly dull kind of love. She calls him “this man” WAY too much. As in, “I’m so excited to bring this man to meet my family.”  And, “I trust this man to be the man to protect my heart.” It’s like she’s constantly speaking in marital vows. It’s unsettling. If any of these women is a secret Bachelor robot prototype, it’s definitely Ashlee.

Ashlee takes Sean on a picnic to start. One of the reasons she loves Sean is because he reminds her of her dad, and another is his capacity to be such a decent, white bread sorta guy. He is wearing a polo shirt under a button-up shirt, and yet she is totally ready to marry him.

Ashlee takes Sean to meet her parents, who seem like sweet, jolly Texans. They sit down to dinner in the middle of their lawn. Normal. Her parents ask what she’s been up to, and Ashlee starts having another one of her therapy seshes. Nobody’s even picked up a fork yet, and she’s crying about the cathartic experience of doing the Polar Bear Plunge.

Then talk turns to “romance.” Mom and Dad make concerned eyebrow faces. They are understandably protective of her. She has lots of control and abandonment issues, because as a child she was in five foster homes in one year. And Sean doesn’t seem that into her. Ashlee is “madly in love” with Sean, and yet HE says, to her dad’s face, that “love is on the horizon" for him. What a weiner.

Even though he’s dating three other women, doesn’t love her and probably never intends to propose, Sean asks if it would be OK, hypothetically, if he decided that he wanted to, but keep in mind that he probably won’t … propose to Ashlee. Her dad says “sure,” because none of this is real. Then Dad tells the story of when they adopted Ashlee, and we get a glimpse of what REAL LOVE looks like. And it is …

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Ashlee thinks that she has real love with Sean, but I get the feeling that she would also say that about a particularly kind and supportive Teddy Ruxspin. Ashlee says she wants to marry Sean “the second” that they possibly can. And she MEANS it. She calls it a “magical” day that feels “covered in pixie dust,” and then goes inside to google wedding dresses and on-call priests. Aw … good luck with all that, Ashlee. Your expectations sound totally healthy and very realistic.

Date #2: Seattle with Catherine

Sean is exploring MY city with MY pick for his wife, so this is already my favorite date. They first take a cliche-filled tour through Pike Place Market. Talkin’ ‘bout how much it rains here! Sittin’ on the wishin’ pig! Fish tossin’! Stickin’ gum on the gum wall! I know I sound like a grump because I’m sarcastically dropping all of my g’s, but I actually love how much fun they have together. They don’t even mind holding hands after their hands smell like dead fish.

Then Sean meets Catherine’s family of women: her mom, grandma and two sisters. Her grandma calls him “handsome” and says “I’m gonna get him!” But her sisters are more skeptical, and really bad at suppressing their honesty. They tell Catherine that they’re surprised she’s so “serious” about this now, because she went on the show to have fun. They think she has unrealistic expectations, just because she and Sean have been living in a fantasy land. These are valid points, but it’s a hardcore bummer for Catherine. She worries the evil sisters will ruin her shot with Sean … which they almost do. They sit down with him alone, and put Catherine on BLAST, calling her immature, messy and moody. Calm down, Patty and Selma. Let your sister be happy! 

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Catherine’s mom doesn’t help much, either. Sean broaches the topic of marriage with her, and she comes back with an icy, “We’ll see what happens.” Sean is sad and shocked that Catherine’s traditional Filipino mother didn’t think it was awesome that he might propose to her daughter … if/when he dumps those three other girls he’s dating. At least he and Catherine are living in their fantasy world together.

Date #3: Missouri with Lindsay

Lindsay’s dad is a two-star general, so it’s safe to say that most/all of their date will be about that. They walk around her “hometown,” and this quick jaunt already has Lindsay foaming at the mouth about settling down and raising their children there.

Sean is seriously sweating about meeting Lindsay’s dad. He doesn’t even know whether to call him “Mr. Yenter” or “General,” or “Sir yes sir.” There is actual, pure-driven terror in his eyes at the thought of asking The General for his permission to propose.

To further freak him out, Lindsay “surprises” Sean by putting him through a mini bootcamp. Sit-ups, push-ups, that sorta thing. They actually seem like the best match to me, now that I see them giggling together like sixth graders. They seem to be on the same happy-go-lucky, not-so-bright wavelength.

Then it’s time to go to her parents’ house on the army base. Sean wears a purple henley sweater with the collar popped—very manly, very Army. Lindsay’s dad looks secretly horrified to be a part of any of this, while her mom screams with giddy excitement about everything. Sean easily wins over Mom with his charm and honesty. Dad’s a harder sell. He’s been to war. He’s seen some shit. He is military Ron Swanson. So he knows that no self-respecting man worth his salt would ever sign on to be the Bachelor. Still, he hesitantly and roundaboutly gives Sean his blessing. He loves his daughter THAT much.

The date ends with Lindsay talking about how she’s definitely gonna marry Sean. Join the club, little lady! And go wash your face. You have the heart of an angel, but the makeup of a Reno nightclub dancer.

Date #4: Newport Beach with Dez

They kick off the date with a hike. Sean is wearing another purple shirt, which he has paired with pink shorts. Really driving home that whole “born again virgin” thing.

The hike seems to take about three seconds, and then we are treated to a solid eight or nine seconds of their mouths mashing together. In case you’re curious, that IS a standard Bachelor hike, everyone.

Then they go to Dez’s house, where they start to get dinner ready for her family … when there’s a knock on the door. It appears to be an ex-boyfriend who has returned to win Dez over at the worst possible moment. But it’s actually a bad actor doing some bad acting as Dez’s ex. He goes from zero to sixty, saying in quick succession that he’s in love with Dez, been obsessively calling her, and now he can’t believe that she’s dating “this actor.” The camera zooms in on Sean’s clenched fist. 

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But then … “GOTCHA!” Dez reveals that “she” (ABC) hired an “actor” to poorly prank Sean, just like “Sean” (ABC) hired an “actor” to poorly prank Dez on their first date. Ah, these two! Such a special relationship they have. So normal and private and sincere.

The family shows up for dinner, and things start off well. Her mom says that Dez has the “glow of love” about her, so she’s happy and supportive. Her dad likes Sean too. But her brother is aggressively skeptical. Dez tries to answer his questions about Sean sincerely, and he laughs in her face and spits on her dreams. “This is stupid, almost,” he says.

First of all: Take off the “almost,” hermano. We are officially at ground zero of Stupidtown, USA. I’m in agreement with you there.

But second of all, this is neither the time nor the place for you to act the dickish realist. You can’t just show up two months late to Stupidville and waltz around blowin’ the citizens’ minds with your honesty and perceptiveness. They don’t take kindly to having their hard-earned bubble burst.

Brother pulls Sean aside and accuses him of not reciprocating Dez’s love. Which, mathematically  is correct. Sean has a threshold of love he can reciprocate, and technically he’s reserving three-quarters of his love reciprocity for his three other girlfriends. But it hurts Sean’s feelings. He tries to convince her brother of his sincerity, but Brother just laughs and calls Sean a “playboy.” (Again, he is technically correct, but that makes him no less of an insensitive dick to his poor sister.) This angers Sean. Angry Sean want to smash brother’s face! But Angry Sean keep his cool. The date ends tensely, with Dez’s brother laughing in everyone’s faces for drinking the Bachelor Kool-Aid. He laughs from atop his tower of Bitter, Say-It-Like-It-Is Realism.

In a final twist, we then see that Dez’s brother has extensive tattoos all over his hands, which technically invalidates his license to give advice on wise life choices. Dez wins!

Except that Sean is totally going to dump her now.

Rose Ceremony

Sean has “no idea” who to let go … except that it’s definitely between Catherine and Dez. Dez’s jerky brother ruined everything, while Catherine seems too independent and ambitious. (Yes, those WOULD be positive adjectives if she wasn’t dating Sean.)

It’s a tough call, and Sean isn’t sure he’s capable of making the right decision. That’s one thing we can agree on.

It’s rose-giving-out time. Host Chris Harrisons welcomes the women, and then taunts them with the knowledge that Sean has no idea what he’s going to do. No one is safe. He’ll probably make a huge mistake. It’s Russian Roulette with roses, and Chris dares not a bit which person in this room dies. That sicko.

Sean prepares to hand out the roses, but first Dez asks to pull him aside. She apologizes on behalf of her brother. She’s crying, and it’s clear that she really does love Sean and hates to see him upset. Sean doesn’t really comfort her during this talk, because he’s a real jerk deep down. And because he’s about to dump her.

Time for roses! And they go to:

Ashlee

Lindsay, and …

Sean puts down the final rose and walks out. He can’t decide which of the final two women he maybe kinda sorta wants to marry, which is a great sign for both of their futures with him. They should be totally stoked to receive that half-assed rose.

Chris talks Sean off the ledge, advising him to take as much time as he needs to “get it right.” You know the phrase “It’s not rocket science!” Well, this is Sean’s rocket science.

Finally, he comes to a decision. And the woman who will be ushered into the final three with the hurtful knowledge that Sean feels iffy about her is … 

Catherine

Yup. Thanks a lot, DEZ’S BRO. Now Dez is heartbroken, and you were a major factor in it, and YET you get the satisfaction of being right.

Poor Dez. I really did like her! And she’s so pretty, and she dresses well, and she always had great makeup and hair. I know that’s not important, but it was our special bond, and I’ll miss that.

When he walks her out, Sean twists the knife by telling Dez that he’ll probably regret this tomorrow.

She tells him that he’s making a mistake, and that she could make him happiest. She says, “I don’t need to be happy as long as you’re happy,” because she’s just throwing ridiculous emotional statements at the wall and hoping one will stick. I’m starting to like her a lot less. Have a little dignity, girl.

It seems like Dez might refuse to leave, but she eventually does. Eventually. Sean ushers her into the Limo of Mental Disorders Brought On By Crippling Loneliness.

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Bye, Dez! Sorry about your brother and your life. I hope they make you the next Bachelorette

Tomorrow, they’re doing a “Bachelor Tell All” special, but don’t expect me to recap it. That sounds like a two-hour turd. I literally don’t want to know that my eyeballs contributed to validating the ad dollars that ABC earned for producing that sad excuse for a program. Even I have limits.

But NEXT WEEK, Sean the born-again virgin is going to commune (in prayer) with his final three in the fantasy suites, and you can bet your sweet lil’ buns I’ll be back to recap that. 

Until next week, remain vigilant as ever about defending your sparkle, my darlings. And remember, I don’t need to be happy as long as you’re happy.

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Finally bound for warmer climates, Sean and his final six fly to St. Croix, for which I am grateful if only because I always wondered how to pronounce that. As with everywhere this show has ever gone, the girls call it “the perfect place to fall in love.” It is very beautiful. but if Sean were there, they’d say a garbage can was the perfect place to fall in love.

Uninspired by the beauty around her, Tierra decides not to room with any of “the other girls who like her boyfriend,” so she chains her martyr ball to her ankle and pulls a fold-away mattress out of the closet, giving people further reason to say “she kept to herself a lot, didn’t have a lot of friends,” when she inevitably goes on a murderous rampage.

Ashlee gets the first one-on-one date of the week, which prompts Tierra to bitchily sing a parody of the Thin Lizzies’ song, “The Boys are Back in Town,” but with the inventive and brilliant lyrics, “The coooougar’s back in toooown.” This is an unveiled derogatory comment on Ashlee’s ancient age of 32 years old. An age that signifies, to Tierra, when one should be settled, barefoot and nude—save for a muumuu and a NASCAR apron—with twin girls in matching tutus, preparing for their third Lil’ Miss Las Vegas pageant. What’s ironic is that (as we know from the preview for tonight’s episode) Tierra will later throw it in Ashlee’s face that bad-mouthing someone only backfires upon you. Or is the true irony that Tierra’s the one who is definitely gonna die alone? I can never remember how that works.

Date #1: Healing with Ashlee

Sean’s taking Ashlee to a private island. But they have to swim to the catamaran first. He’s excited about this date, because last week Ashlee really showed him her “vulnerability” and “strength.” He says this as the camera shows us her tiny waist and toned ass. Mixed messages.

Ashlee treats every moment of this “journey” as some sort of therapy in her ongoing recovery from whatever-it-is that she fears most about herself. In my professional opinion as an armchair therapist, she seems to equate “trusting someone” with “putting a knife in someone’s hand and bringing their hand to her neck,” which is kind of An Issue. She’s imprinting on Sean like a baby bird who thought that a rock was her mother for her entire childhood. And yet she is terrified that, at any moment, he will pull the plug and she will have a nervous breakdown. Today, all they do is jump off of a luxurious catamaran into the crystal blue waters of a tropical paradise, and Ashlee acts like she’s performing an act of faith into the terrifying unknown. It actually seems sort of irresponsible to put a woman this mentally-precarious on a reality dating show. Also, it is exhausting.

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While relaxing on the beach, Sean asks Ashlee about the drama in the house, and she takes this opportunity to finally articulate what is wrong with Tierra: Simply put, she’s a two-faced bitch. But she actually gives length details to corroboration her claims. Finally, Sean’s ears are open to criticism of Tierra. (Praise be the process!)

The bad-mouthing is short-lived, so that Sean and Ashlee can do some different-types-of-mouthing out in the water.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, the next one-on-one date card arrives, and it’s FINALLY for Tierra. Tierra is exactly the type of person who always wants what she can’t have. All she wanted this whole time was a one-on-one date. But now, as soon as it arrives, she complains that it’s not the date she wanted. They’ll be exploring the town, and she’s worried she’ll get eaten by bugs and have her makeup melt off her face. She wishes it was a swimming or scuba diving date instead. Lesley puts it simply: “She is the most unhappy person I’ve ever met. I hate that bitch.”

At their dinner on the beach, Ashlee reveals that she has A SECRET. A secret that she is terrified will be a MAKE OR BREAK for Sean. OMG, I’m dying to know her secret. Is she a mother? Is she a man? Is she a ghost? AHHHH ASHLEE TELL US YOUR SECRET, I MUST KNOW IT OR I WILL DIE.

And the secret issssssss…

She got married when she was 17. 

Oh.

Ok?

I was hoping for “post-op Siamese twin” or “intense college lesbian phase.” 

To me, it’s actually more of a red-flag that Ashlee prefaced that news like she was a convicted serial killer for making a dumb mistake as a teen. But alright. It doesn’t matter that I think this news isn’t news. What’s important is what SEAN thinks.

Sean: “So… you were a married high school junior? … I thought you were gonna tell me something bad.” Sean grew up in Texas, y’all. A little pre-adult hitchin’ won’t faze him.

Once again, for the millionth time, Ashlee feels like she can fully trust and LOVE Sean with all her fragile, fragile heart, and she expresses this like another of her emotional graduations, by crying and speaking profoundly of her love for this smiling husk of a man who’s merely being agreeable and decent. And, to prove it, she literally STANDS UP ON HER CHAIR and screams to the empty jungle, “IIIIII LOOOOOOVE SEEEEAN!”

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She’s really putting the “ugh” in ENOUUUUUGH!

Date #2: Exploring the City with Tierra

After weeks upon weeks of hella dramz, Sean has a lot of questions for Tierra, but also a lot of questions about Tierra. Like, “huh?” And “how?” And most importantly, “why?”

They explore the downtown area of Whatever This Town in St. Croix is Called, and Sean buys Tierra a two-bit street vendor bracelet with a heart on it. She interprets this as an expression of his eternal love, obviously. Later, after they dance their way down the street, Sean delicately asks Tierra why everyone hates her. She maintains the bulletproof “haters” defense. He asks if she’d handle things differently if she could do this whole thing again, and she says no. Obviously. I mean, duh. Tierra doesn’t believe in regrets. The people who should have the most regrets never believe in regrets. Or in admitting their mistakes. Or in listening to anyone who doesn’t agree with them already. Those people are the greatest!

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 At dinner, Tierra confronts Sean for how distant he seems, and he basically admitting that he thinks less of her now that he’s learned (and re-learned) about “all the drama in the house.” Tierra is furious, and she WILL have her revenge.

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Meanwhile, the group date card arrives. It’s for Dez, Catherine and What’s Her Name, oh, Lindsay, which means that Lesley has the last one-on-one. Whatever.

Back on the date, Tierra decides to pull out her trump card. She tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him, and than vacuum-cleans his molars. Sean feels comforted in the fact that Tierra might be an asshole to everyone else in the world, but at least she’s nice to him. And that is all that matters … when you’re a narcissist living a fantasy life.

Date #3: Racing the Sun with Catherine, Dez and Lindsay

Sean sneaks into the women’s hotel suite at 4 AM. The early wakeup call isn’t JUST so they’ll be extra-tired and more likely to cry later in the day. It’s also so that he can take their pictures first thing in the morning, so he knows which are real women and which are female drag queens. This actually photo shoot happens, and it is not adorable or playful. It is an ambush.

The girls have five minutes to gather their bikinis and lipgloss and then it’s time to go. Catherine doesn’t care! She’s is the lowest maintenance of the bunch: “I just have to pee, and I’m good to go!” God, I love her.

Sean got the girls up so early because he wanted to take all three of them to watch the sunrise. It’s quite romantic, in a sterile Mormon sort of way. After a 5am mimosa, Sean reveals the rom-com theme of today’s date: They’re driving across the island, East to West, sunrise to sunset. They stop for a drink everywhere they go, which is a great sign for Sean’s driving abilities. 

Back at the hotel, Lesley’s date card arrives, and it reads, “I hope our love stands the test of time.” Lesley hopes to show Sean that her love for him grows “every day she sees him.” And she’s seen him on, like, five days in the last seven weeks, so that’s a whole lotta love!

The group daters make it to the other end of the island, but they have some time to spare until sunset, so they go swimming. There actually is a rose up for grabs on this date, and the women are so distracted by it waiting on shore that I’m worried they might drown as they stare at it.

Lindsay makes the first run for the rose, telling Sean she’s crazy about him and “not going anywhere,” and then they make out. The more I see her, the more she reminds me of someone…

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Then it’s Catherine’s turn, and she reveals that if she gets a hometown date, she won’t be able to introduce Sean to her dad, who has a troubled past that includes suffering abuse, depression, and a suicide attempt—which happened in front of Catherine and her sisters when she was 14. Whoa. Sean admires Catherine’s strength in telling him this, and feels closer to her than ever.

Finally, it’s Dez’s turn to make a play for the rose. She starts crying at the thought of bringing Sean home next week, because it’s so special to introduce someone to her family. Even though he’ll still be dating three other girls.

Finally, it’s time for Sean to crown the queen of the date, and that queen is … LINDSAY. I thought it was going to be Catherine, and my boyfriend thought it was going to Dez, so we are shockeditellyouSHOCKED. But so is Lindsay: “The girl in the wedding dress now has the hometown date rose. Who saw that coming?” 

At the end of the date, Sean and his three girlfriends look out on the water to watch the sunset, which was the whole point of the date … but, in nature’s own poetic statement on Sean’s sexual frustration, it’s cloudy and there is no sunset.

Date #4: Putting Lesley to the Test

Sean “really likes” Lesley, but they haven’t “progressed” as far as his relationships with the other women, so he’s putting her to the test this week. Her challenge? Survive a boring, low-budget date of picking fruit in a park. They sit down for a picnic, and even though Lesley feels like she’s falling in love with Sean, she can’t seem to tell him. She’s nervous and tense, and Sean’s getting frustrated. The other girls constantly try to jump his bones, but Lesley just wants to talk and stuff. Even though she’s SOLELY talking about how crazy she is about him, he’s not really convinced. She finally kisses him, but it seems too little, too late.

This date was boring, quick and eventless, which tells me that Lesley is toast.

Wise Sisters and Feuding Sister Wives

Sean’s sister with an eerily similar name, Shay, is in St. Croix to talk him through the big hometown date decision. Shay signed him up for this show, and she’s seen a lot of episodes, so she knows what’s up. Her big advice for Sean is to dump the dramatic girl. Does he have one of those, she wonders?

Weeeelllll, Sean says, there is a girl who has caused literally every problem since this journey started, and her name is a misspelling of a princess’s crown, and everyone has repeatedly told him that she’s a manipulative, deceptive and malicious shrew. Could it maybe be her? He isn’t quite sure. 

Back at the hotel, Tierra has picked her moment to accuse Ashlee of “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean. She calls Ashlee old, so Ashlee decides to GET REA and calls Tierra two-faced. Tierra snaps back: “Girls are jealous. Men LOVE me.” She calls Ashlee an old maid who chooses to “sit around with 20 year olds and gossip.” Ashlee accuses Tierra purposefully causing drama to keep the cameras rolling, and of having a constant raised eyebrow and bitch-face. Tierra, screams, “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS.” I laugh uncontrollably. Then Tierra somehow pivots to her parents’ advice about going on The Bachelor. They told her, “Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.” This is the best.

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As this is all happening, Sean’s sister asks to meet Tierra, to decide for herself whether she is as horrible as she sounds. Guess what, Sis: She’s WORSE! Sean makes his way over to get her, with no idea that Tierra is in the middle of a meltdown about her eyebrows. Thanks to the wonders of editing, the fight ends right as Sean knocks on the door. He finds her in her room, crying alone. It’s not cute.

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Sean was feeling good, excited even, to introduce Tierra to his sister, but now he sees what everyone has been saying all along. Tierra doubles and triples back on the established points that she “has such a big heart” and “cares so much,” but “this is so hard” and did she mention that she “cares so much”? About herself, she means.

Sean leaves for a few minutes, and then comes back inside with his decision: all this “taxing” of her delicate system may kill Tierra if she continues further in this process, so she must leave immediately. HOORAY!!!

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Shockingly, she decides not to say goodbye to any of the other girls. As he puts her into the always-waiting SUV of Rejection. Sean says that he still cares about her, and her last words to him are "obviously not enough."

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Oooh oooh OOOH, this is all too good. Inside the car, she screams, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” and “I hope the girls got what they wanted!” If you expected her to take responsibility for anything ever, WELL YOU DON’T KNOW TIERRA.

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The waterworks only last for a minute, until Tierra decides “I’ll be strong. Nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not gonna let that happen.” And then she rides off, never to be heard from again until the Women Tell All Reunion Special. Seriously can’t wait. But for now, let’s disinfect and move on.

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Cocktail Party

None of the other girls know for sure whether Tierra is in or out, until Sean finally walks in and tells them. He says that he’s not looking for someone who causes drama, and then he looks Ashlee straight in the eyes. Whoa. Serious stuff.

THEN, to show how seriously brokenhearted he is about sending home the Devil’s spawn, Sean cancels the cocktail party. Nooooooooo!!!

Ashlee is in panic mode—more so than usual. She thought she was being “protective,” but what if Sean thinks she’s “drama” and sends her home? The stakes are so high I can barelzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZzzzzZZZzzz

Rose Ceremony

Lindsay has a rose. There are four women left, and only three roses to hand out. The roses go to:

Dez

Catherine

Chris Harrison appears from the myst to announce this is the last rose tonight. And it’s for …

Ashlee

Which means, as I predicted, Lesley is dunzo. And Ashlee is now the creepy weirdo of the group. “This is my husband,” she says with piercing suicide-murder eyes. “And love does conquer all.”

For some reason, Catherine takes Lesley’s elimination extremely hard. She starts crying because she thinks Lesley had more in common with Sean than she does … which means that her “beliefs in what he wants are shattered.” HUH? There is an unprecedented level of honesty and humanity here that I don’t know how to process. Could this mean that Catherine isn’t actually as into Sean as she thinks?

Next Week: It’s Hometown Dates, and Sean’s in for some reality checks. (Not the kind that paid for Chris Harrison’s yacht.) First, Lindsay’s two-star general dad will act like a two-star general dad. Then Dez’s brother will speak for us all, calling this whole thing stupid and a lie. Then Catherine’s sisters will express concern over Sean and whether she’s really ready to settle down.

Until next week, never let anyone take away your sparkle. NEVER!

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I apologize for the lateness of this recap. I blame ABC, who decided it was a good idea to broadcast four hours of this garbage marathon in the course of two days. NO RESPECT FOR THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY. (It’s actually my fault, because I spent the last three nights crafting and drinking wine. It’s my life and I’m gonna live it!)

Anyway… what even happened during Monday’s episode in Montana? Let’s remember back….

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Chris Harrison announces that the women will accompany Sean on “an international journey to find love” … that starts not as internationally as they’d hoped. Everyone’s faces fall and then immediately fake-rise again when they find out they’re going to Montana. But there’s DIRT there! And PALE peopleeeee!

Not that the women will be seeing any of it. They’re “roughin’ it” at a luxury resort. Everyone gets settled in, and then the first date card comes. It’s for Lindsay (the one who wore a wedding dress the first night, and yet is still here), and she cries because of her excitement. It’s really disturbing what long-term imprisonment can do to a person’s psyche. Let’s all pray for Lindsay’s safe recovery when she returns to the real world.


Date #1: Being A Bad Habit with Lindsay

First, Sean and Lindsay take a helicopter tour of Glacier National Park. It is profound, beautiful and expansive. The opposite of Sean and Lindsay’s relationship.

They land the helicopter on sacred Indian land, where they have a picnic … of each other’s faces.The ancient Indian spirits hovering over this excessive smoochfest are all:

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Later, Lindsay and Sean sit down next to a roaring fire somewhere. Lindsay opens up about her “adolescence,” which is apparently a word she learned yesterday because she uses it four or five times, awkwardly. She confides in him about how she grew up an Army brat, and that makes her desperate to settle down and find the security of a stable man. This is a turn-on for Sean, obviously. He needs someone who is as incomplete and undefined as a single person as he is. It is also a plus that she worships him for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile back at the hotel:

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The group date card arrives! Everyone is listed except for Tierra and Jackie, which means they’re on the dreaded TWO ON ONE DATE! Tierra smiles and gets busy sharpening her claws for battle. Welcome to the Tierradome, Jackie. She will make your red hair even redder … with your blood. (Not all the jokes can be winners, you guys. I’m doing my best.)

Back on the date, Sean gives Lindsay the rose, they make out some more and then he reveals he has “ANOTHER SURPRISE FOR HER!” I had hoped it was a severed head, but of course it’s another g-d concert by someone I’ve never heard of. Sean’s “surprises” aren’t just stupid; they’re also repetitive! The best kind of surprises. Sean and Lindsay dance in front of “everyone” who lives in White Fish to a song with lyrics like “I wanna be your cigarette / I wanna linger on your breath” and “I wanna be your bad habit / A bad habit that’s too hard to break.” Feel free to borrow those romantic lines for your valentines! They’re perfect for anyone you hope to slowly poison with your love.

Date #2: Milking It with Maids

For the group date, the producers have decided to test the women’s “wilderness” skills with a relay. The first leg is a canoe race, then they’ll “buck hay,” then saw a log in half and finally, they’ll need to milk a goat and drink the milk. At the sight of the goats, one of the women actually says, “Are those dogs?” Whichever team finishes first gets to spend the night taking turns talking to their communal boyfriend! Everyone is super stoked. Sarah says, “I don’t think that having one arm is going to hold me back today,” because that is the only thing she is allowed to say. For comedic relief, I guess.

Selma is wearing the stupidest headband ever. This is exactly what a Kardashian would wear in the “wilderness,” only further supporting my theory that Kris Jenner gave birth to her and then immediately forgot her in the hospital. At the very least, the headband is a physical stamp of approval, saying that we are now allowed to infer all sorts of terrible things about Selma. You may think a paragraph is too much to dedicate to an accessory intended to keep one’s ears warm in the winter, but I think it’s impressive that I’ve written this much, given that I literally cannot find the words to express how stupid I think this headband looks.

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GET OUT.

Anyway, the relay.

Sean gives the teams matching plaid shirts so he can tell them apart. I promised people I would write a who’s who of the girls so these recaps would make more sense, but I started to write one and it got boring and I never finished. Instead, I’ll just give you a rundown of the helpful I think you would see if you looked on the palm of Sean’s hand. Notes that I’m sure he made good use of on this date as he rooted on the teams:

"Blonde, creepily nice but you know she’d murder you if you left a dirty dish out = Ashlee
Blonde, sweet, dumb = Lindsay
Blonde, thinks she’s the smart one = Lesley
Blonde, one arm = Sarah
Blonde, red eyes, cries a lot = Daniella
Brown hair, big boobs = Selma
Brown hair, normal boobs = Dez
Brown hair, psycho = Tierra
Asian = Catherine
Black = Robyn
Red-hair = ??? (ask producer)”

The Red Team, led by Selma’s stupid headband, gets stuck in the weeds during the canoe race, but the Blue team is so bad at bucking hay (thanks a lot, SARAH) that the Reds catch up during the sawwin’ logs leg. In the end, Reds overtakes the Blues because Dez can yank and chug that goat like a pro, and they win some coveted minutes with the man none of them would hesitate to marry tomorrow.
But, rule-bender that he is, Sean isn’t satisfied with the outcome of the relay. He’s here to find his wife on a competitive reality TV show—not some smaller competition ON that competitive reality show! After they’ve gone home, cried a bunch and changed into their give-up sweatpants, Sena sends his lackey Chris Harrison over to the losing team’s hotel room to deliver a special invitation to rejoin the date to which they had first been invited, only to be told later that they had lost the right to attend. In Chris’s words, Sean’s reasoning for this is simple: “Maybe my wife is on the blue team!” Haha. “Maybe my wife is on the blue team.” Sean picks wives the way contestants pick doors on Let’s Make a Deal. The women freak out over the invitation like they just won the lottery. NO LADIES, you are PART OF a lottery — there’s a big difference.

Meanwhile Tierra, who is whilin’ away the hours until her two-on-one date by hate-journaling her hit-list, sits by angrily while the losers get ready to go back to their group date. Remember every week before this, when Tierra reminded us that she HATES group dates? And earlier tonight, when she said she was excited for her two-on-one date? She lied. “It’s not fair to ME, I’ve been patiently waiting for a one-on-one!” she whines to the camera. So, having neither an understanding nor an appreciation for what “patiently” actually means, she decides to take matters into her own talons and “sneak over” to the group date. Great plan.

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Tierra walks across the small town of Whitefish, tracking Sean by scent like a werewolf. She also apparently STOLE one of the Blue team’s plaid shirts from the relay, and is wearing it as part of her psychotic pilgrimage! This woman is tooooo much. I hate her and never want to see her again, yet I will miss her as soon as she’s gone.

As he’s talking to the camera about his magnanimous decision to re-invite the Blue team, Tierra sneaks up behind him, puts her hands over his eyes and says, “Seeeeean?” She is every stalker from every stalker movie. She is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. She is Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky. She IS Ali Larter in that movie that Idris Elba and Beyonce accidentally sleep-acted in. I would not be surprised if, at some point this season, Tierra says “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”

Sean isn’t horrified by her surprise, because Sean isn’t so bright, nor is he well-versed in the subtle language of insanity. The two of them go outside to chat for a minute. Tierra says she showed up because she “came all the way to Montana to spend time with him,” and it feels like “a huge slap in the face” that he’s first spending time with all the other girls who came all the way to Montana to spend time with him, too.

Tierra leaves the group date after her chat with Sean, and feels high off because no one else knows about their secret rendezvous. But Tierra is an idiot, and it doesn’t even occur to her that other girls could have better connections with Sean simply by being themselves. Take Catherine, for example. All she had to do is smile and giggle, and Sean’s knees literally buckle, allowing her to sit on his lap. Daniella walks in on this relatively innocent interaction and immediately freaks out, because she’s dead weight and she knows it. But then Sean saunters inside, sees Daniella crying, and in an effort to assuage her (legitimate) fears, he gives her the group date rose. I would be angry at the way that Sean continuously rewards bad behavior if it weren’t for the fact that this entire show is based on that idea. 

Date #3: Dropping a Dud at the Dude Ranch

Tierra and Jackie meet Sean at a dude ranch, where they embark on a boring horseback ride. Jackie’s horse lags behind, which is an obvious metaphor for her relationship with Sean. In her private interviews, Tierra laughs maniacally about how Sean is her husband, and how Jackie has no idea she’s on a date with Tierra and her future husband. While I am 1000% certain that Sean will NEVER be Tierra’s husband, I understand her inadvertent point that Jackie has no idea what Tierra’s brain is capable of. Its capacity for fiction is terrifying.

In her private time with Sean, Jackie makes the poor choice to badmouth Tierra. She tells a story about how Tierra flirted with some guy in the airport on the way to Montana. Sean isn’t buying it. He has been told that he is the last man on Earth, and he’s operating under that fact until he learns, definitively, otherwise.

At dinner, Sean pulls Tierra aside to find out why everyone hates her. Her excuse is that she “has the biggest heart” (HINT: you do not have the biggest heart if you have to tell people that you have the biggest heart) and that her last boyfriend “went in and out of rehabs” and then died in 2009. Did she just make up that story out of thin air? I don’t want to be overly suspicious and coldhearted (even though I am), but it does seem a little tooooo convenient that Tierra would wait to play the “dead boyfriend” card right when a crucial two-on-one rose was on the line. It’s like this is some secret experimental cross-over, and she’s the living creation of the writers of General Hospital.
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She gets the rose, obviously. Jackie leaves, devastated and essentially still anonymous. No one mourns her, especially Tierra, who is too busy mourning her dead boyfriend who died because “rehab” and may or may not actually exist. All’s fair in love and reality TV, and cetera.

Cocktail Party
It upsets me to have to give a rundown of the drama at this cocktail party, because it is literally beneath anyone with a semi-regular pulse and a capacity for self-awareness. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way watching The Bachelor, and I got over it then, so I guess I’ll get over it now. I’ll just try to explain it as succinctly as possible: 

The other girls are fed up with Tierra’s bad attitude. When Sean’s around, she acts like a friendly little fawn. But every other time, she’s an angry wolf with a thirst for female human blood. Robyn and Lesley decide to confront Tierra about her multiple personalities, how she’s generally rude and stand-offish, and for playing the “damsel in distress” whenever she feels like she’s losing at this twisted game. It goes about as well as calling someone rude, manipulative, lying and stupid could possibly go—when the person IS actually all four of those things. They still haven’t learned something we all need to learn some time: You can’t reason with crazy. You can only tell crazy what you think of it.
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Tierra reacts first by saying she doesn’t know what they are talking about, then by saying, “this is petty bullshit,” then by saying, “YOU’RE INSECURE! If I wanna go get engaged, I’ll go get engaged!” and finally by just ranting indiscriminately about how she is better than everyone else. By this final stage of the process, everyone but Robyn has exited the room, preferring the company of saner human beings. In the midst of her meltdown, Sean walks through the room and witnesses exactly why no one likes Tierra—but instead of placing the blame exactly where it should obviously go (on the psycho hose beast causing every problem), he confides in Chris Harrison that he’s unsure whether ANY of these women deserve him. He’s questioning whether his wife is in this room. Nooooo!

Still, Sean bravely soldiers on, and exits the cocktail party to handpick the women who are allowed to keep kissing his ass for another week.

Rose Ceremony

Lindsay, Daniella and Tierra have roses. And the rest go to:

Selma
Catherine
Lesley
Sarah 
Dez

Which means that the one remaining black girl, Robyn, is eliminated. It would probably hurt more if I was surprised, or if her failed back flip on the first night weren’t still vivid in my memory. RIP Robyn. You ARE still dancing on your own.

PART 2: OH GREAT ANOTHER EPISODE.

Because ABC is a cruel and malicious overlord, here we are again, for another episode the very next day. My ability to give a shit are at an all-time low. Sean is still searching all over the world (and by world, I mean North America) for love. "Hello, love? It’s me, Sean! Are you in Montana? Are you in Canada? Are you hiding inside Selma’s hideous headband? LOVE, LET ME FIND YOU."
As we all recall from literally yesterday, last week the women were fighting with Tierra and complaining about Tierra, which gave Sean doubts that any of them could be his wife. As usual, his powers of logic are unmatched.

There are nine women left (or, technically, eight women and a succubus). They arrive in Canada, where it’s called “one of the most romantic places” for the first time since it became a country. Chris Harrison will literally say anything for a $50,000 check and a v-neck sweater.

The beauty of Banff quickly becomes an ironic backdrop for the hideous tension and emotions going on “inside the house” (the women still call their emotional prison “inside the house” even when they are in a new hotel each week). Sean’s grumpy face at the cocktail party did not stop them from bickering—it’s just taught them to do it when he’s not around. Ashlee says, “If Tierra gets the one-on-one with Sean, I will throw up.” Thankfully, the first date card is for Catherine, so Ashlee gets to keep that single, precious grape she ate for breakfast.

Date #1: Playing on a Glacier with Catherine

To start off her romantic adventure, Catherine is dropped off, alone, in a frigid, frozen hellscape. Without a real coat. 

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"Hello, love? Are you out there in arctic hell?"

 Of course, this scenario is only orchestrated so that Sean can come “rescue” her in a gigantic snow bus, which is a giant bus on monster truck wheels, I guess. It’s too bad Tierra didn’t decide to “surprise” Sean on this date by hiding underneath one of the wheels.

They get into snowsuits and drive off to go “play on a glacier,” which sounds both fun and safe. Catherine admires the “rugged manliness” of Sean while he drives the snow bus, and says “he always seems to fit in” wherever he goes. She clearly didn’t see him attempt to chop wood in Montana. Though maybe she means it physically. His pale pink skin and icy blond hair do complement the glacier nicely.

It turns out, playing on a glacier IS fun and safe when you do it like Sean and Catherine, which is basically finding a flat 20” by 20” area on the glacier and just running around on it. They go “sledding,” walk on their hands, make snow angels and finally just tackle-hump in the snow. It’s adorable! But what else could we expect from Adorable Catherine? She accurately calls it their “4 year old playdate,” onesies and all. Sean says Catherine has “passed the blizzard test.” 

Their date later continues in an ice castle. This is not a euphemism for Madonna’s lady parts. It’s an actual ice castle.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group date card arrives, and it includes Daniella. She takes this the same way she took seeing Catherine on Sean’s lap last week—like an insecure, weepy mess. Not without reason, because it’s very obvious that Sean does not like her, but still—get a grip, guuuurl!

Back on the date, Catherine opens up and shows Sean her “serious” side. She tells him a tramautic story from her past: She was 12 years old, taking a hike at summer camp, and a tree fell on the girl in front of her and killed her instantly. This experience taught her at a very young age to appreciate life because it can be taken from you at any moment. (It would have made me realize that trees are evil, but to each her own.) I guess it also made her realize she wanted to get married—preferably to someone rugged and manly, LIKE SEAN, so he can push any rogue trees out of her path. Sean gives Catherine the rose, no doy. She’s perfect.

Date #2: The Polar Bear Ploy for Attention

Time for the group date, which includes Tierra, so we know it’s gonna be great. First, they go canoeing … again. Lesley jumps into Sean’s boat before any of the other girls can stake a claim, because she’s a loose city girl who only looks out for #1. Sarah is pretty used to the producers forcing her into activities that she is not physically equipped to do, so she grips the paddle with her one arm and tries not to resent everyone.

Lesley takes a break from paddling to make some sexy poses for Sean. Selma “jokingly” wishes their boat would get eaten by a shark, then laughs like she has dementia and has already forgot what she was talking about. Lesley may be shameless, but at least she’s not Selma.
They arrive at a couple of tents on the shore of the lake. It’s freezing outside, and they brought their bikinis, so they think they’re headed for a hot tub. NOPE. Just like literally every date, Sean has “another surprise” up his sleeve: They’re gonna do the “Polar Bear Plunge,” which is usually voluntarily done by drunk people. Sean calls the experience “joining an elite club,” which sounds better than “a supposedly fun thing that could kill you.” He has a lifeguard and EMT on hand to scare the bejeezus out of everyone before they get started. Selma opts out, saying she “would do anything for a rose …” but she “won’t do this.” God, I hate her. Not only is she a wimp, but she just misquoted Meatloaf.

Everyone but Selma strips down to their skivvies and runs into the water. Ashlee is feeling particularly “emotionally vulnerable,” because she’s only doing this for Sean. She says, “no one has ever made me want to do something for them before.” If that’s true, she’s more frigid than the water. Tierra runs in first because of course she does. They’re only in the water for like four or five seconds, tops, but afterward everyone hugs and screams like they just finished an Iron Man. Except Tierra, who suddenly comes down with a deadly case of Attentionwhoreitis. One minute she’s frolicking in her pink sequin bikini, and the next she’s doubled over and predicting her own death.

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Attentionwhoreitis is a tricky illness. As I watch the medics cover Tierra in an aluminum heat blanket, I wonder: Is she faking it, or did she purposefully get herself to the point of hypothermia? It’s hard to say. But why is HER body temperature the only one at risk after five seconds in the water? I’ll tell you why: BECAUSE SHE WAS COLD-BLOODED TO BEGIN WITH.

We switch over to Blair Witch Camera Mode to watch the crew carry Tierra into the car, where there’s a medic standing by. Inside the car, all we see are her mascara-soaked face and shivering, black-nailed hands. If she didn’t have a consistent track record of being a manipulative attention-seeking monster, I would probably feel sorry for her. But I don’t, at all, and my feelings are immediately validated because after the crew literally CARRIED HER ASS across a long bridge, up the stairs and into the hotel, she suddenly regains full consciousness, makes a pouty face like a whiny baby and says something to the camera. Not “I’m OK.” Not “thank you for saving me. Not “I’m sorry I disrupted filming and caused you all to worry.” But, "I missed time with himmmmm." 
 
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Give. Me. A. BREEEEEEEEEAK!

Everyone else comes back from the Polar Bear Plunge and, guess what, they’re totally fine. Lindsay loved it so much, she wants to go all over the world and do the Plunge in every body of water! Meanwhile, Tierra is upstairs having her feet rubbed and receiving fluids through a tube in her nose. Obviously the most logical explanation is that she is faking it, big time. But I suppose it is also possible that she is completely weak because of her off-balanced diet of toads and snakes, or she’s a certifiable hypochondriac. Either way, it all screams “marriage materiaaaaal!” for Sean. He comes to check on her, and giggles and smiles as tubed-up Tierra jokes about how he better marry her now that she’s on her second injury of the season. She’s just kidddding … except not really. Sean tells her to skip the after-party and “take care of herself.” AS IF.
 
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At the “Tierra Almost Died” After-Party, the girls take turns coming on way too strong with Sean. First, Lesley drops the L-word, and then Sarah shows him baby pictures. Then, shockingly, even though she’s “frozen to death” and claims she still can’t feel her legs, Tierra shows up in pursuit of that sweet, sweet rose. Lindsay gives her a run for her money by stealing Sean away for a steamy makeout by the hot tub. Even so, Lesley gets the rose. Tierra thinks she deserved it, since she purposefully almost died, so now she’s full of evil fury again. 

One Girl, One Arm, Two Pieces of a Broken Heart
 
Sean comes home from the date with his camera man, but something isn’t right. When Sarah showed him baby pictures and said how much she wanted him to meet her family, he realized how much he DOESN’T want to do that ever. So, in order to “not lead her on,” he visits the women’s hotel and surprise-eliminates Sarah after what she thought was a great date. He claims this is out of kindness, but it’s clearly out of pity, and it’s not even kind. Everyone with two arms has to sit through empty days and pointless rose ceremonies to find out they’re getting dumped. But then, at the end of the rose ceremony, they get to walk away quickly. After weeks of asking to be treated on an equal playing field, Sarah first has to suffer the indignity of special treatment, and sit through Sean giving her the “I just didn’t feel the connection” talk. Then she has to go back into the hotel and cry, and announce that she’s leaving, and cry some more, and pack her things while the other women express their prolonged sadness and horror, and cry some more, and be led into the Limo of Rejection with Sean’s hand on her lower back, and cry some more, and THAT is TRULY humiliating.
 
Even worse, she’s not really surprised by any of this. Sean did the exact same thing all the other “nice guys” do: say what a “great girl” she is … for someone else.
Bye Sarah! I hope you take solace in the fact that it wouldn’t have worked out between you two anyway, even if you did have two arms.

Date #3: Falling in Love in a Teepee with Dez

Sean takes Dez to Banff National Park, where he lures her down a mountain with the promise of food. It wouldn’t take them so long to get down if they’d stop taking breaks to eat each other’s faces. Sean decided to take Dez rappelling as a metaphor for their relationship: “that if you commit to something, you can make it work.” Dez gets the message, and by the end she decides to let her heart rappel down the steep, jagged likelihood that Sean will dump her in the near future.

In the middle of their picnic, Dez and Sean decide to climb a tree. This laughs straight in the face of Catherine’s cautionary tale about never trusting trees, but it seems to work out OK for them. I am bored by Dez, but that actually convinces me that she and Sean are probably a good fit. They would make such a nice, pretty, bland couple.
For dinner, Sean takes Dez to a teepee. He’s wearing an ugly holiday sweater that he borrowed from David Crosby. The teepee dredges up touchy memories for Dez, who grew up poor and lived in a tent sporadically. They connect over how love is more important than money ( … but having both is even better), and Sean gives Dez the rose.
Just in case we missed the billboard-sized memo, Dez lays it out, hilariously: “I opened up about spending part of my life in a tent … and here I am, falling in love in a teepee.

Cocktail Party

In full grasp of the pattern, everyone is bracing themselves for tonight’s Tierra drama, whatever it may be. Selma didn’t do the Polar Bear Plunge, so to make up for it, she decides to finally kiss Sean on national TV. This brings shame to her family, which she not-so-secretly loves. I would think that Selma talking gleefully about bringing shame to her family would actually bring MORE shame to her family. Or that showing off everything but the nipple would bring shame to her family. I guess I just don’t understand Selma’s culture.


Lindsay pulls out her full flirtation arsenal in pursuit of the rose: she’s wearing stripper makeup, asks Sean to “play a game” where they can’t kiss (but then they do), and reveals a “fun fact” that she only sleeps naked. Sean can’t wait to wife that up.


Ashlee approaches her relationship with Sean like it’s therapy, when she should probably just be in therapy. She asks him to blindfold her and lead her into another room. Even giving up that much control is torture for her. 


Shockingly, the party ends without us even having to LOOK at Tierra, which is awesome. Sean leaves to contemplate this week’s rejections (there will only be two, since he already did away with Sarah). Catherine,  Lesley and Dez have their roses, and the rest go to:

Lindsay
Ashlee
AND…
Tierra

Of course it’s Tierra. Which means that slutty, shameful Selma and dejected, depressed Daniella are going home.
Selma says she came here for love, but she’s just leaving with a memory. I respect the way she holds it together even after all the shame she just piled on her family. Daniella tries to be brave. This is her, “keeping a straight face.”
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I can’t believe I recapped the whole thing. It took me a whole week, and I’m doing it all again tomorrow. Love hurts.

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I’m lucky enough to have friends who read my Bachelor recaps even though their lives are too rich, meaningful and enlightened to actually watch The Bachelor for two ungodly hours each week. Despite my best efforts to explain in the recaps the show’s horrifying March-Madness-of-Sexual-Manipulation approach to dating, and its array of shiny, cloying singles who will do anything to nab a man, it can all get quite confusing. I admit, even I have a hard time telling these “women” apart sometimes. It’s like they all agreed that since they’re sharing a boyfriend, they might as well share the names “Kristen,” “Leslie” and “Ashley” amongst themselves as well. I believe the logic is that if he can’t remember which girl you are, he might accidentally call your name when it’s time to hand out roses.

So—to help my dear, too-kind readers follow along on this magical journey of love and hate, of fairy tales and nightmares, of marriage-focused group dating that will almost certainly not result in an actual marriage, I’ve prepared this quick glossary of important Bachelor terminology, as well as a quick run-down of the remaining contestants (coming in PART II!), for your reference. Let’s hit the books!

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THE BACHELOR, IMPORTANT TERMS AND CONCEPTS:

Cocktail Party: There are definitely cocktails involved, but don’t get it twisted: this is not a party. (There aren’t even snacks!) It is a weekly gathering at which all remaining bridetestants, and the Bachelor, put on their fanciest outfits and fakest eyelashes and scariest tanning lotions, and socialize with the same people they just spent the entire week looking normal around—each other. It happens immediately before the Rose Ceremony (see below), and so the cocktail “party” serves two important, and contrary, purposes: to solidify the romantic feelings between the Bachelor and his front runners, and to instigate drama and last-ditch panic among the stragglers, bitches and idiots. If you’ve ever seen a Bachelor clip that felt so stereotypical that you were sure it was an SNL parody—a weeping woman in a formal ballgown reciting a poem about destinty, or a group of women in glittery cleavage-baring dresses sitting on a patio bench talking shit about someone who’s “not there for the right reasons” (see below)—it was probably at a cocktail party. Sometimes they’re the best, but mostly they’re the worst. So many feelings.

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Date: There are three types of dates in the Bachelor universe, and none of them are normal. Each week typically includes two one-on-one dates and a group date (or, in lieu of a one-on-one, the dreaded “two-on-one”), though this ratio shifts as the producers experiment with different drug cocktails throughout the season and come up with new and exciting ways to torture the contestants. These are as follows:

#1 The one-on-one date: The most coveted of dates, this is the only time any bridetestant is ever allowed to be alone with the Bachelor until they are engaged—not counting the camera crew, producers and on-lookers, obviously. At the beginning of the show, these dates are high-stakes: The woman must receive a rose at the end of the night, or she must leave in the Limo of Rejection and go home immediately. Part of the ritual of these dates is literally for the girl to pack her bags before getting picked up for whatever stupid adventure the producers have planned. This adds to the constant tone of desperation and terror that has become a Bachelor calling card. Toward the end of the season, a rose isn’t always on the line. One-on-one dates usually last most of the day. Common activities include: Climbing up/down/across tall buildings or mountains; Pretty Woman cosplay; attending the concert of a band or musician no one has ever heard of but whom the Bachelor insists is “one of his favorites”; exploring an exotic locale and exploiting its colorful residents and fascinating rituals; and anything that includes riding in a helicopter. Dates are always followed by a private dinner on a rooftop, in a museum or some other stupid place where no one ever eats. Variants: the "Fantasy Suite date," when the Bachelor goes on one-on-ones with his final three women and tests them by asking each to “forego their individual rooms” for the night and spend it together, “talking and connecting” in an over-the-top romantic sex cove; the "Last Chance Date," when the Bachelor goes on his final one-on-ones with his final two women and they have one last chance to impress him or risk being elaborately, horrifically rejected at the Final Rose Ceremony.

#2 The group date: The most loathed among dates, because the women must share the Bachelor and fight for his attention—even though that is explicitly the point of the show, they still seem annoyed and surprised when it happens, over and over. These dates usually involve embarrassing, sometimes dangerous activities meant to incite fights and/or give the women chances to stand out and impress the man—or turn him off by being sissies. Common activities include: Entertaining or taking care of children to show their maternal instincts; putting on a play or musical revue, acting in a music video, performing comedy at an open mic or other sort of public show that desecrates the very idea of “art” and is probably sparsely attended by volunteers who regretted the decision immediately; breaking into two teams and competing in a sport while partially or mostly nude (last season’s “bikini skiiing” date is a particular highlight). Group date activities are always followed by some sort of rooftop/poolside “after party” at a hotel where there are long couches, low lighting, hors d’oeuvres that no one eats and open rooms where the Bachelor can steal away with a willing concubine and make out.

#3 The two-on-one date: The most dreaded of all dates for its awkwardness, high stakes and pointed rejection, these usually only happen once per season—thank God the Process (see below). The premise is straightforward and can be summed up in a simple rhyme (which host Chris Harrison sometimes recites, because he is a heartless troll): “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” I can’t think of any activities from past two-on-one dates, because each of them has been so excruciatingly painful to view that I have blocked them out. Oh! Now I remember! Last season they went on a speed boat to a cave, and had dinner in the cave, and at dinner the Bachelorette dumped one of the men and he had to find his way out of the cave by himself, brokenhearted and alone. Then he got in a crappy dinghy and was never heard from again. The other guy got to stay and make out with her in the cave. So they usually go like that. Two-on-ones are the worst.

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Date card: Each date begins with an invitation, delivered via Ding-Dong-Ditch to the women’s residence. The date card is a note card. On the note card is the name of recipient(s), and then a truly awful cliche like, “Let’s fall … in love,” or “Love is blind!” meant to hint at the date’s activity, and then signed with a heart from the Bachelor. These are never written by the actual Bachelor, and they are never funny or clever. What’s funny is how ape-shit the women go over them!

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"The Process": The deceptively vague yet fittingly monolithic term that the Bachelor, host Chris Harrison and contestants have named this bastardized version of dating and spouse-searching that they’ve all regrettably participated in. I believe this came about as a coping mechanism—a way of tricking one’s own mind into believing this is not a television show whose only goals are to get high ratings and make money, but a magical version of adult Hogwarts; an elite club formed by Fate, Destiny, Love and Magic into which only a few special applicants are admitted. They speak of “The Process” like it is a vengeful god who will smite them if they do not proclaim their allegiance. Despite all sorts of evidence that they should do the opposite, you will often hear the Bachelor saying “how much faith he has in the Process” or a contestant saying that at first she was “scared of this Process,” but now she “knows that love CAN happen in the Process!” Yes, she would probably say “process” twice. All glory to the Process! Praise be the Process!

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Rose: A literal symbol of love and a badge of honor for the lucky recipients of this special flower, the Bachelor rose represents commitment, romance and marriage—in a phrase, all that is worth living for. The Bachelor can hand out roses at two different times: on a date, or at the weekly Rose Ceremony, which is exactly what it sounds like. If he wants a woman to stay and continue on this journey, he will call her forth to him, hand her a rose and ask, “Will you accept this rose?” Obviously, the only acceptable answer to this is, “Yes!” If the woman is feeling sassy, she may spice up her response with, “Of course!”, “I thought you’d never ask,” or even a “Duuuuh!” The rose is an organic promise ring with an expiration date. Its powers last only for a week, during which the woman must once again prove her love and receive another, or else she is doomed to die alone, surrounded by empty cheesecake boxes and cats. It is not an accident that, in every Bachelor finale, the Bachelor first proposes marriage with a ring, and then asks his bride-to-be to accept the final rose. In an SAT analogy:

The Bachelor : Rose :: The Lord of the Rings : Ring.

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"Here for the Wrong Reasons": In the real world, the only logical reasons to go on The Bachelor are for fame, attention, opportunities to show off your music/dancing/modeling/acting or other mediocre skill, money, free travel, free drinks, other free stuff we probably don’t even know about, existential panic caused by fear of one’s inevitable decay and death, insanity, and the all-encompassing Family Issues. But in the world of The Bachelor, any reason that is not “love” is the WRONG reason to go on The Bachelor. If one contestant suspects another of any of these ulterior, shady and logical motives, it is her moral duty to Make It a Thing by going around and telling everyone. “Ashley’s here for the wrong reasons” is a more polite way to express disapproval and concern—it simply sounds less bitchy than “Ashley’s here because she aspires to be a spokesmodel for a diet pill website because her dad used to call her fat and she told me she doesn’t even believe in love because she’s afraid she’s dead inside.” And it still gets the job done.

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OK! Hope that helped in your understanding of this multifaceted and dynamic television reality dating show! Stay tuned for the next installment in our educational series, in which I will attempt to remember the names of each of this season’s remaining contestants and list what I know about them! (Have any terms I missed? Let me know! I love making amendments!)

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This week’s episode starts with a semi-new scene: Instead of semi-nude Sean working out, we get a glimpse of semi-nude Sean (full nude by suggestion) showering. I think these intros are meant to show us what a great catch Sean is, by the transitive abs property. But am I crazy to wish they would mix it up and show a glimpse of him, I don’t know, reading an actual book or having a job? Does anyone even know what Sean’s job is yet? Is he a professional abs-haver? Is he the male version of Tyra Banks’ character in Life-Size? Is he a loaf of white bread that someone left out on the counter for a month and then carved muscles into? WHO KNOWS?!

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Date #1: Sean & Selma Climb Their Intellectual Equivalents (Rocks)

Sean’s first date of the week is with Selma, a beautiful, cloying Iraqi-American woman who claims to be extremely “conservative.”

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I didn’t even have to see that picture to know that Selma is the type of girl who loves to take selfies in her car. She also can’t stop talking about babies in a high-pitched voice. What if Selma isn’t actually Iraqi—what if she’s a Kardashian who was switched at birth? That would certainly explain Khloe. A little.

Sean first gets Selma’s hopes up by jetting her out of the concubine commune in a private plane. Then they land in the desert. Selma looks around like she has literally never heard of a desert before. But … where are … the storrrrrres?

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Luckily, this “desert” that Selma is openly disgusted by is actually Joshua Tree State Park. Sean wants to take her “out of her element” to see if she can force-fit her six-inch heels and fake boobs into his outdoorsy girl ideal. So he has a super-fun plan to take her rock climbing for the first time. It’s always great when you turn a first date into a high-stakes test that forces your date to try to be someone she’s not. Love is almost inevitable!

All of a sudden they’re strapped into harnesses and climbing up some rocks. After a little while, Selma harnesses the potent desperation in her womb (“HER POWER”) and hightails it up the rock, leaving Sean’s slightly bruised ego in her dust. 

For dinner, Sean takes Selma to a mini trailer park/hipster RV oasis. I think it might just be Zooey Deschanel’s trailer from the set of New Girl? They curl up next to an ironic, adorable trash can fire, and Selma assures Sean, “You will find an amazing girl…” and then finishes the sentence in her head "…and by "will" I mean "did" because it’s meeeeeee." 

Selma then opens up about how strict and conservative her Arab parents are. They didn’t want her to go on this trashy show that never gets results and usually just embarrasses its participants (FYI, you don’t have to be Arab to not want that for your child), but she did it anyway because she’s a believer in LOVE!

Then things get truly awful.

Sean, whispering and looking down paternally: “You fall hard, don’t you?”

Selma, batting her eyes and purring like a cat in heat: “Mmmm hmmmm.”

Me:

Disgusting. That line was pretty good, but Sean does his best romantic connecting with his tongue muscles, so he goes in for a moist deal-seal, but Selma refuses to kiss him because her mother wouldn’t approve. She whispers this like she thinks we won’t be able to hear her. Sean says that he respects her choice (he doesn’t) and to prove it (to try harder to get in her pants) he gives her the rose.

Weirdly enough, I actually learned something on this date! I learned that somehow it’s even grosser to listen to people whisper about how they want to kiss than to just watch them kiss.

Date #2: One Tierrable Thing After Another

This date is UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE, so let’s just gloss over the set-up and cut to the good stuff. (Sean takes the girls to a big garage and SURPRISE! It’s a roller derby rink.) Great, another torture date.

Sarah the One Armed Inspiration Machine says, “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today.” As wonderful as that kind of courage is … physics would kindly beg to differ. Tierra the Tierrable is excited that she’ll finally be able to let out all her aggression. That’s clearly a bottomless well. Feral Amanda says that she’s done roller derby before, but she’s lying just to intimidate the other team. Who on this show is NOT completely full of shit?

Before they learn how to play (play? fight? murder?) roller derby, some of them have to learn how to skate first. Sarah can’t find her balance … obviously. She keeps falling down and literally can’t pull herself back up. Still, she soldiers on. For Sean, and his impossible standards. She’d rather die a potential rose recipient than get dumped for realistically approaching her own disability.

Feral Amanda has a case of Stage 4 Self-Satisfaction, but thankfully, our good friend Karma steps in once more to put some bitches in their place. As Amanda is reveling in how “scared” the other team is her derby skills (they’re actually just generally scared of the whole experience), she falls down, maybe breaks her jaw and has to go to the hospital. Now everyone is actually scared, because “the girl who knows what she’s doing” got injured. Great job, Feral Amanda! 

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Sean realizes that this date was an awful idea, so he calls off the competition and everyone has a “disco free skate” instead, where they listen to 80’s slow jams and take turns holding hands with their potential boyfriend. What a stupid let down. I’m disappointed that, for once, this show put contestant safety above our insatiable blood lust.

At the Post Giving Up on Roller Derby After Party, everyone’s already forgotten about Feral Amanda and is having a great time … except Tierra, who is a whiny, self-centered, attention-starved baby throwing a tantrum for no reason. Just because Robyn didn’t mention her name or some other dumb shit, she starts yelling, “I don’t trust anybody here!” and “It’s, like, SO annoying!” When the other girls ask what’s bothering her, she asks a producer if she can leave and then goes to find the love of her life Sean, who is currently making out with another girl on his way to the hot tub. Tierra turns on the water works and screams, “Why should I be tortured like this? I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore!”

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I just realized where I’ve seen a tantrum like this before. Down to the big hair and dead eyes, Tierra has the exact same coherence, poise and unwarranted self-confidence of a Toddlers and Tiaras (Toddlers and TIERRAS?!) contestant.

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I’m pretty sure that she said that last one VERBATIM tonight. Clearly, this is all about Tierra doing whatever it takes to get herself some memorable airtime. And it’s working. For now. She’s trying to be the new Courtney, but she’s forgotten the first rule of being Courtney, which is that Courtney doesn’t whine—she only WINS. You guys remember Courtney, right? The best worst best WORST BESSSSSST contestant this show has ever had?

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I miss her open self-love, her mastery of manipulation and her refusal to take anything seriously. Even murder. Unlike Tierra, Courtney didn’t throw fits and talk incessantly about how “strong” and “independent” she was after spending half her time curled up in a ball on the ground crying. Compared to Courtney, Tierra isn’t a satisfying villain. She’s a psychotic dum-dum with a princess delusion. And I hate her even MORE for that.

Anyway, back to the tantrum. Tierra shrieks, “I am breaking down and holding it all in and THAT’S NOT FAIR!” Did somebody give Tierra some crack as a joke? That’s a pretty good joke. Too bad it then epically backfires. Princess Asshole manages to steal Sean away from bikini hot tub time, and for SOME REASON he convinces her not to quit the show. Not only that, but in order to reassure her, he gives her the group date rose. She may not be a great villain, but her evil plan did work out seamlessly.

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As my friend Rick said yesterday, Tierra probably has that scar on her forehead because she’s been smacked in the head with a frying pan a few times. But those times didn’t take, so we better try again!

The other girls watch Sean take the date rose to Tierra and react appropriately with shock, disgust and horror. Sean is now rewarding bad behavior with roses and against-the-wall makeout sessions. So he is a confirmed idiot. But everyone still wants to marry the shit outta him!

Date #3: The Hooker Fantasy

Other Leslie (not kissing world record Leslie from last week) gets the Pretty Woman date. This is not a good sign for her, because the girl who gets the Pretty Woman date never stays around for long. Just like a REAL hooker. Also, did you know that Leslie is a serial dating show contestant? Here she is on FOX’s George Lopez-hosted summer garbage smash, TAKE ME OUT:

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Also, a weird note: My friend Chris did a little IMDB’ing after catching a glimpse of ol’ Leslie here as an extra on Happy Endings, and he discovered that while her occupation is listed as “poker dealer” on The Bachelor, she’s actually an actress who PLAYED a poker dealer on 90210. There’s probably a logical explanation behind this, but let’s pretend that she gets so invested in every role that she starts to believe that she IS her character. So now, thanks to this date, her new “occupation” is high-end call girl.

Leslie picks out an ugly dress, some heels and a clutch, and then as the final jewel in her call girl crown, she’s taken to NEIL LANE, THE KING OF THE DIAMONDS, to receive a sick-ass necklace to complete her look. It’s just like the movie! .

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Except that now that they’re all dressed up, they’re not going to the opera … they’re going to flaunt their opulent wealth at a local soup kitchen!!!

JK, they go to a boring dinner by themselves where there’s nobody around to envy their formal wear. Even though they “have a great conversation,” Sean “doesn’t feel the spark,” so he can’t give Leslie the rose. But does she get to keep the diamonds?! As she leaves, Leslie holds back tears as she hands back the billion dollar Neil Lane necklace and tells Sean to “watch out for some of the girls.” 

Sean had planned to take Leslie to a private concert by some guy named Ben Taylor, who is playing on a staircase for no apparent reason. Instead, he attends this weirdly intimate acoustic guitar sesh alone. Sean leans over the bannister and pretends to be sad about how things with this one girl didn’t work out. It’s really hard for him to realize that he only has 11 more women who would do literally anything to make him happy. He dramatically drops the rose over the balcony to signify the depths of his despair. So if you were wondering if this show hates us as much as we hate it and thinks we are as stupid as we think it is, YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER NOW.

Cocktail Party

In an attempt to stand out and flirt, Robyn puts a piece of chocolate in Sean’s face and asks, “Which chocolate do you wanna taste?” Yiiiiiikes.

After their little tiff that turned into a full-blown meltdown the other night, Tierra decides to “be the bigger person” and rise above all the fake girls … by giving them a fake apology. The apology conversation is fake, forced, vague, nonsensical and not worth the free air they used to breathe during it. Tierra is “too strong of a woman” to deal with the drama. She wishes that everyone could just “focus on themselves” like she does. As an independent and strong woman, she’s very good at only thinking about herself and never caring about others, and that’s the best thing for her, which is the only thing in the world that matters. It’s called living life to the fullest, you should try it sometime.

Sean doesn’t know the full extent of Tierra’s crazy; he just thinks that she’s “her own worst enemy” when she gets emotional. Her response to this is, “Hmm, yes and no.” DON’T CONTRADICT HIM, WOMAN. YOU ARE LITERALLY DISPOSABLE. Tierra asks Sean if he’ll be swayed by what others think and say about her, and he says that even if someone comes to him with a laundry list of her faults, they couldn’t influence him. Which is good for her. Because there’s a pretty long list!

Feral Amanda has never looked more feral. Her hair is a mess, she’s wearing dark burgundy lipstick that washes out her complexion, and she has that same look in her eye from the last few cocktail parties where she might snap at any moment.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH…manda!

Finally, we get to see Adorable Catherine get some air time. She and Sean take a giggly walk and then make out. I hope they get married!

Before Sean goes to deliberate, we get another poisonous swig of Tierra saying that she will take bitches out and get that final rose if it kills her. We should be so lucky.

Rose Ceremony

Sean kicks off the rose ceremony with words every woman wants to hear: “I’m emotionally invested … in many of you.”

A Tierrifying Prospect and Saccharine Selma have roses. And the rest go to:


Adorable Catherine

Wedding Dress Dez

Wedding Dress Lindsay

Kissing Queen Leslie

Melts in Your Mouth Robyn

Too Good to Be True Ashlee

One-Armed Sarah

Useless Redhead Jackie

And the last rose goes to…

Always Looks Like She Just Did Coke in the Bathroom Daniella

Noooo! That means Feral Amanda is done! Strangely, she casts no curses and rips out no throats as she exits.

Next week: Oh my god no. It’s a double episode?! TWO NIGHTS? FOUR HOURS?!! At least it looks like Tierra might freeze to death. Still, to put up with that much trash, I’m going to need a little divine assistance.

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